Stephen Seagull watches Huw Edwards flap

*CAWWW, mates! Big news on the high seas this week, and I’m not squawkin’ ‘ bout some stray chip wrapper floatin’ down the docks! It’s that Huw Edwards fella, flap-flappin’ his wings in a courtroom, tryin’ to wriggle outta a right mess. Bloke’s been caught with some nasty fish in his beak, and lemme tell ya, no amount of squawkin’ ‘bout Oxford’s gonna make that stink go away!*

So there he was, standin’ before the big bird, the chief magistrate Paul Goldspring, who gave him a right good peckin’. Six months suspended sentence, but crikey, it’s the squawkin’ that got my feathers in a twist! Edwards’ defense team, they’re cluckin’ ‘ bout his troubled past, his repressed this and that, like he’s some poor seagull who missed the fishin’ boat! CAWW, give me a break!

*Now, we gulls know a thing or two ‘bout takin’ responsibility. You snatch a chip, you squawk about it and move on, ain’t no use blamin’ it on a bad molt or the wrong tide. But here comes Edwards’ lot, bringin’ in fancy shrinks to tell us he’s been pecked at by life, that his self-esteem’s floppin’ like a fish outta water. They even had the gall to squawk ‘bout him not gettin’ into Oxford like it’s the biggest fish in the sea! Oh, we all know someone who didn’t catch that boat – but they’re not flockin’ ‘round with the likes of this bloke!*

*CAWW, it’s like watchin’ a seagull try to fly with one wing, ain’t it? And that defence of his? It’s what ya call a right ol’ flap! Like a gull tryin’ to make a nest outta chip wrappers – not convincin’ anyone, mate! It’s the classic ‘ low self-esteem’ line. Oh, cry me a river, or better yet, a whole ocean! Us gulls, we all got sob stories. Ya don’t see us nibblin’ on folks’ bad habits and callin’ it a day, do ya?*

And let’s not forget those other big gulls they’re comparin’ him to – Brock Turner, that Roman Polanski. They always try to wriggle out by sayin’ they were tipsy on too much seaweed or had a bad flight pattern. It’s never just that they’re bad eggs, is it? Always somethin’ to flap about. Makes ya wonder what kinda codswallop these defence gulls are gonna peck out next!

*Now, I ain’t sayin’ life’s a smooth sail for any gull, even one with fancy plumage like Edwards. But clawin’ at Oxford dreams when yer caught in a nasty net? It’s a stretch, mate. Shoulda seen the look on them posh seagulls’ beaks when they heard that! It’s like a pelican showin’ up to a sardine buffet – no one buys it!*

At the end of the day, we all gotta learn to flap on our own. Life deals ya a bit of bad fish, ya don’t go blamin’ the whole ocean for it. But that’s what Edwards and his lot seem to be squawkin’ ‘bout. Like he’s some kinda seagull god who can’t handle a bit of a knock on the beak. Well, guess what, mate? The tide’s out, and you’re flounderin’ on the rocks!

So here’s a tip from ol’ Stephen Seagull to the Beeb and beyond:

Stop treatin’ these posh gulls like they’re somethin’ special. They’re just flappin’ feathers like the rest of us, and sometimes, a bit of muck sticks to ‘em. But don’t try and wash it off with some fancy tale about Oxford and sad songs. Own yer mess, take a proper squawk, and maybe we’ll all find a bit more room on the dock.

*CAWWW till next week, folks! Keep them chips comin’, and don’t believe every sob story a gull tries to sell ya!*