HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

FANS of TOWIE star Gemma Collins are in shock after she falls down a trapdoor while on stage at the Radio 1 Teen Choice awards.

They are shocked at the negligence of the BBC, shocked at her miraculous escape from injury – but mostly shocked that there was a hole big enough for the fat knacker to fall down in the first place.

Her career is now set to go stratospheric. By which I mean they plan to use her to block the hole in the ozone layer. A LABOUR MP apologises for writing an old article in which he fantasised about having an orgy with four members of the five- piece band Girls Aloud. It was a gross and perverted suggestion and he should be ashamed of himself. Mainly because the one he wanted to leave out was Sarah Harding. FATS Domino dies. Ain’t that a shame. POLICE say giving special training to bouncers could help to fight terrorism. That makes sense. You could be the most hardline Jihadist in the world... but you’re not getting in wearing those sandals, pal. PRINCE Harry’s bird Meghan Markle is descended from Yorkshire mining stock, a new documentary claims.

So I guess that means she’s very tight and doesn’t mind going down for a filthy job – no wonder Harry thinks she’s a keeper.

A mining background could also come in handy if the Royals decide to whack her. She’ll certainly be better in tunnels than Diana was. THE film and television giant Disney is praised for writing a teen drama about a gay boy who develops a crush on his best mate. What?! We can’t help but think old Walt Disney would not have stood for that. He was way too busy drawing a sassy, lisping duck whose pert bottom peeked out from underneath his sailor suit. If this drama is a success, it could pave the way for more Disney classics to get the gay treatment. How about Peter Pants, Laddie and the Tramp, or Boy Story. PLEA: Alastair wants ‘ cousin’ Donald to stop his home being demolished