Dating dummies
Bake to the future
QUIZ time. Where did this “How Q&A take place? “Eight deep does that go?” This Morning’s inches.” Was it a) asking Alice Holly Willoughby dust mites Beer about vacuuming Or b) Charlotte from a mattress. much Crosby getting too on Celebs information, again, a). Go Dating. Answer: to Though I’m prepared accept b). Obviously. HIS parents are famous porn stars and he has no problem persuading women into bed.
So, having seen Outnumbered actor Tyger Drew-Honey in action these last three weeks, I’ve just one question.
How the hell? He has the chat- up prowess of a gibbon.
Like: “I’ve always said that if I was ever going to commit suicide I’d put on a fishing documentary.”
Or: “I saw a necklace like that. It had some dead dog’s ashes in it.”
And, while playing truth or dare over lunch: “Do a cartwheel in the middle of the road in front of a bus.” You smooth-talker, you. We’re flies on the wall of E4’ s unexpectedly addictive Celebs Go Dating.
It’s Tyger, Joey Essex, bed- wetter Charlotte Crosby, Made In Chelsea’s Stephanie Pratt, Tattoo Fixers’ Paisley Billings and tosspot extraordinaire (YouTube prankster) Jack Joness seeking love with civilians.
And boy, we’ve seen some gloriousorious disasters. Joey’s first date “burped like a trucker” on a slice of lemon and he ended up performing the Heimlich manoeuvre.
Stephanie was on the receiving end of two astonishing opening gambits.
Ellis: “I got circumcised three weeks ago – for this date.” Piet: “I’ve been googling you extensively.”
Paisley, new to the dating game, became a man-repellant defence mechanism on being dumped twice.
Pranking
Four of the six had brushes with “number one fans” (stalkers).
The show’s dating agents Eden and Nadia genuinely had to talk Jack, who cannot operate as a human being, out of pranking lovely Shirin by leaving a fake turd on her restaurant seat.
Tyger’s entire dating triumphs amount to this victory speech: “A girl wants to see me again. Admittedly it’s to throw me out of a plane – but a second dat date is a second date.” And Charlotte split with Brad on Friday’s finale: “He has unticked quite a few boxes. He’s 20, he has a child, he’s lost his job and he spoke to a magazine.”
Voiceover Rob Beckett: “I’m fairly sure an incontinent old lady with a bleached anus wasn’t in Brad’s boxes either, so pipe down, Crosby.”
His ( co- written) narration has been integral to the show’s unexpected draw and he thrives on belittling the celebs: “Joey is dressed like he’s lost a bet.”
Speaking of which, ex-Towie star Joey and Stephanie gave up on the dating agency and started seeing each other.
They’re sweet together, if I’m honest, although they’re the world’s only couple who snog with their mouths closed. Hmm.
And they’re nothing if not compatible. Steph being wooed at Joey’s pad: “Is this the country?” Joey: “Yeah.”
“Is it? It’s the countryside? I thought Essex was a city.”
Match made in heaven. BBC1’S Sue Perkins over in the marquee: “Bakers, welcome to a first on the Great British Bake Off.” Adverts? Product placement? The very essence of the show sucked out by a greedy production company slaughtering its golden goose? The grim announcement: “Welcome to Bake Off with me, Davina McCall. Ooh, I’m so excited I just let out a bit of wee.” No? Give it time.