Today’s poem
STILL ANOTHER NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
’Twas the night before Christmas, I sat down to think. And I said to myself: ‘Son, you need a cold drink.’ Then out in the garden came an almighty crump, And loudly disturbing, a curse and a thump.
I got up from the chair, went into the hall, And there was poor Santa, not moving at all. He just pointed down, said: ‘These are quite sore.’ He hadn’t got boots, just bare feet on the floor.
I took a quick look — there were all sorts of bunions, And corns — near as big as the best Spanish onions. ‘It’s to do with this outfit, boots make it complete, My big shiny boots, were just right for my feet,
‘I’ve worn them with pride, for hundreds of years, But I’ve got my poor
shoemakers crying big tears. They made me new boots, that looked a real treat, Until I pulled them onto my size 20 feet.
‘They were tight, well, it’s because they were new, That was a real problem, well, I’m telling you. These boots were so tight, they just wouldn’t come loose, So they crunched at my toes like an angry mongoose.
‘And now I’ve developed big corns on my heels, Like sleeping policemen, or that’s how it feels. The sledge control pedals, they hurt far too much, So I’ve got two elves working the brakes and the clutch.
‘When I crash-landed here, or that’s how it seems, The blasted boots burst
from the heels to the seams.’ I told him: ‘Your cobbler is nuts, or is he just a sadist, For what you need now is a good podiatrist.’
She took a long look at his horrible feet, Said: ‘They really are awful, but I won’t be beat.’ His bunions came off with a motorised chain, And she trimmed all his toes with a carpenter’s plane.
Then Santa gave a great sigh of pleasant relief, ‘You’ve ended these hours of chiropodic grief.’ I helped him get back to his reindeer and sledge, Where Rudolph had eaten his way through my hedge.
Santa shouted: ‘I’m off, I must please lots of nippers, ‘Use this to buy yourself a new pair of slippers.’ From the sky a brown credit card came floating down, For unlimited spend at the best shoe shop in town.
John McCutcheon, Leven, Fife.