Just wear your heart on your sleeve, Meghan

IONCE had high hopes of Chelsy Davy, the satsuma-tinted Zimbabwean lawyer who dated Prince Harry for seven years before ditching him because she’d decided that being a princess ‘isn’t the life for me’.

This made Chelsy sound exactly what Harry needed – someone who thought that being royal was awful.

At first glance, becoming a princess might look thrilling and desirable. You can park anywhere you like, wear tiaras in the bath and get a butler to make a bucket of frozen margaritas before Strictly.

However, as Meghan Markle has been finding out, there are drawbacks, too. There’s the lack of privacy, for one thing. Embarrassing relatives become a real liability as well, even if your fiancé claims that every family has them. Also, when you’re a woman joining The Firm, coloured nail polish suddenly vanishes from your beauty arsenal.

That rule comes down from the Queen herself, who feels that anything other than natural-looking nails is for commoners. On the nation’s behalf, I’ve Googled Meghan’s hands, and for someone who favours navy talons this is definitely going to be An Issue. Not as much as undeserved privilege, dressing Prince George as if he’s from 1934, or punting nonsense about homeopathy, of course, but even so: poor Meghan.

SO here’s my beauty tip for Meghan to compensate for having to submit to boring nude polishes: get your eyeliner from No7. I bought some of its Black Liquid Eyeliner back in the Britpop era and it only needs a quick spit to reactivate. You don’t get that sort of longevity from Barry M. Yesterday’s engagement announcement means that Princess Meghan will become the most important woman in Britain after the Queen, the Duchess of Cornwall, Bananarama, Tess Daly and Jodie Whittaker, once she starts playing Doctor Who.

And now she’s found her prince, all she needs to do to live happily ever after is find a way to fit around the royals. She is going to have to stop being so smiley, for a start: most of the time, the Royal Family have faces like me as a teenager when forced to appear in family photos. And she’d better like horses because all the Windsors play polo, showjump to Olympic standard or spend half their time in Paddy Power placing bets.

Famously, Princess Anne is so passionate that the Duke of Edinburgh once remarked that ‘if it doesn’t fart and eat hay, she isn’t interested’, which was a bit unfair on Mark Phillips and Timothy Laurence.

So if Meghan isn’t evangelical about equestrian activities, she’d better find another sport to champion. Anne has bagged rugby. Maybe Meghan could become our new Queen of Darts?

Otherwise, I think Meghan should work out splendidly. For one thing, she’s an actress, which is going to stand her in good stead when Prince Philip calls her ‘Miss Marple’ for the eighth time this Christmas at Balmoral, and she has to pantomime helpless amusement convincingly.

Also important: keeping a straight face when Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie rock up to her nuptials in their wedding hats.

Incidentally, Meghan, about your wedding dress; please have sleeves. This will revolutionise women’s wear for the better.