Helping my rocky marr Parents to rescue their iage is ruining my life

DEAR BEL

I AM i n my 30s and happily married; my parents are both 65. My father recently had a short affair, now over.

Over the past few years, my parents have gradually become unhappy. When Mum told me about the affair, she’d kept it to herself for more than a month, but was desperate enough to confide in me, my sister and a friend. I wasn’t completely shocked at the news, but devastated because she’d suffered by herself.

At first Dad said he was going to try, then that he was ‘not sure’ how he felt. Mum told me things t hat had al ways r emained unspoken — why she and Dad had grown apart, how difficult things had become. She was distressed, desperate and frightened.

I suggested perhaps she should leave — my sister and I would help her. Mum told me she loved him, had always loved him, wanted to make changes and start again.

After a while (at first I was too angry) I talked to Dad. He felt he’d partly been ‘driven’ to this other woman through his unhappiness in marriage. To me, the affair was inexcusable, but I had seen the unhappiness enough times to believe it.

Recently, my parents completed a course at Relate, which they found helpful. I’m proud of them both for working hard to make changes. But Dad is still ‘not sure’ and I don’t think he is in love with Mum any more. Daily they seem happier — spending more time enjoying each other’s company. But, when I suggested to Dad that perhaps he could book them a holiday, he said he didn’t want to commit to something like that.

Mum’s doing everything to make it work and I think Dad is trying. They both can see how they grew apart and have wiped the slate clean.

But Dad told me he doesn’t believe Mum when she is being nice to him, because he is so used to her being short-tempered.

This really hurts Mum because she’s not pretending — they have really opened up to each other and been honest about their relationship.

Since this has happened, I am constantly on edge. I can’t bear the thought of Mum feeling so unhappy or unloved.

My concern for her seems to be taking over everything. In the middle of the night, I think of nothing else. If I am enjoying myself, I feel guilty, as if I shouldn’t be so happy when she is so sad.

It’s affecting my work and friendships and my husband recently told me I haven’t been the same since this happened.

It’s not that I want my parents to stay together; all I want is for them to be happy.

It would almost be a relief if they parted. I feel like I am in limbo, waiting for something to happen.

JENNA

RECENTLY, I took part in a discussion on Woman’s Hour on BBC Radio 4 about how the effects of divorce on grown-up children are sorely under-estimated.

Organisations like Kids In The Middle rightly focus on the devastation children feel when their parents split up. But for those over 18, the sense of loss can be even more devastating, since there has been a longer time in which to believe the status quo to be infinite.

Your letter shows that even when you are married with a life of your own, an unbreakable umbilical cord can still l i nk you to the security you loved, in the shape of parents and the family home.

In your longer letter, you rightly point out that you are not asking for help for your parents, but for you — a plea you call ‘selfish’.

You also explain that your sister has small children and a stressful job, therefore you don’t want to share your anxiety with her. But let me reassure you: your state of mind is not selfish.

Since this situation is making you so unhappy, your welfare must be taken care of, for the sake of your whole family. If you are sleepless, tired and dogged by a feeling of impending doom, your mood could easily topple over into a sense of depression caused by powerlessness as well as loss. This would not be fair on your supportive husband.

So what to do? In the first place, I don’t think you should try to push things along by suggesting holidays — or anything at all. Your parents have been to Relate and are trying hard. Now they must be l eft to work things out for themselves, and all the worrying in the world will not alter whatever outcome is fated. You must understand that.

No words from you will help and I’m afraid that the slate is never ‘wiped clean’. They have to learn to live with all that was written on it — or not, as will befall.

Your mother knows she has your s upport and t hat will mean everything to her, but i t’s also important to support your father, whose actions seem to have brought this to a head. You are mature enough to realise that the cracks were there; this marriage was troubled for a time before the infidelity.

THE TRUTH is, s o me marriages don’t so much ‘fail’ as run their course. People are devastated, terrified and full of guilt and/ or a sense of failure, yet they do rebuild their lives and often find they become — very slowly — happier.

No one has any way of predicting how it will be for your parents and this is something you have to accept. They will feel far worse if they see your mood deteriorate because of them, so it’s time to be strong and wait — living your own life to the full in the meantime.

You must do this. After all, they gave you that life and therefore you must cherish their gift. If they part, you must be mentally strong enough to do things like research National Family Mediation for them, so that the legal aspects of separation can take place as painlessly as possible.

And if they stay together (which I hope they do) you must realise that they will never be quite the people t hey were, but older, sadder ( maybe), and wiser souls who require quiet tenderness from each other, and from you.