The unexpected route to happy

We’ve all been searching for the wrong type of happiness, says Emily Esfahani Smith. The kind that will get you through life’s ups and downs is about finding meaning, not just pleasure

Find meaning and you’ll find your happiness, says Emily Esfahani Smith

Several years ago, I met a woman named Ashley, who spends the majority of her working day shovelling poop from one place to another. Her hours are terrible, she rarely gets holidays off, and her body often aches from the physical labour of her work. And yet, she told me that this is her dream job. Ashley is a zookeeper who cares for giraffes, wallabies, and kangaroos at Detroit Zoo in the US. Even though she doesn’t always feel happy when she’s working, Ashley derives an enormous amount of meaning from what she does. Her purpose, she believes, isn’t cleaning animal waste. It’s taking care of the animals and doing everything she can to make their lives richer and happier. “Keeping the yards and stalls clean is important,” she told me, “because that helps the animals. It keeps them healthy. My goal every day is to make sure they are enjoying their environment – and a big part of that is giving them a clean place to live.”

Over the last few years, I’ve interviewed dozens of people like Ashley in my quest to understand what makes life worth living. I’ve spoken to psychologists, sociologists, philosophers, and neuroscientists; I’ve read the works of figures in literature and history such as George Eliot, Viktor Frankl, Aristotle; and I’ve listened to the stories of ordinary and extraordinary people, such as a former drug dealer, a woman with terminal cancer, and a recent college graduate – all to understand how and where they found meaning in their lives. I wanted to know what values should I live by? What projects, relationships, and activities will bring me fulfilment?

YOU MIGHT IMAGINE THE ANSWER IS TO SET ‘HAPPINESS’ AS YOUR GOAL.

But as I dug into the research, I discovered something that surprised me.

It’s not happiness that truly matters, but meaning.

To understand why, it’s important to know there’s a distinction between the two. Most people today choose happiness. Since the mid-2000s, the interest in happiness, as measured by Google searches, has tripled. “The shortcut to anything you want in life,” writes author Rhonda Byrne in her book The Secret, “is to be and feel happy now!” It’s difficult to navigate to your favourite website without coming across an article about 10 steps to a happier life. And yet, there is a major problem with the happiness frenzy: it has failed to deliver on its promise. Rates of suicide, depression and loneliness have been rising in recent decades. Indeed, as the happiness industry grows, social scientists have uncovered a sad irony – chasing happiness actually makes people unhappy. The happiness frenzy diverts us from what really matters. As some psychological researchers have put it, “The more directly one aims to maximise pleasure and avoid pain, the more likely one is to produce instead a life bereft of depth, meaning, and community.”

That’s not to say happiness is a bad thing. But what we need to underpin it and give it depth and authenticity, is

Chasing HAPPINESS actually makes people unhappy. The happiness frenzy diverts us from what really MATTERS

meaning – and it’s okay if, in our pursuit of meaning, we don’t always feel happy. Psychologists define happiness as a positive mental and emotional state. People who are happy experience more positive emotions, like pleasure and comfort, than negative ones, like fear and shame. Meaning, though, is more complicated. Psychologists define it as a subjective assessment of whether our lives feel driven by a sense of purpose. If happiness is defined as “feeling good”, psychologists say, meaning is defined as “being and doing good” – and by “seeking to use and develop the best in oneself” in a way that fits with “one’s deeper principles”. Finding our meaning gives us a reason to wake up in the morning – a way to get us through the good and bad of life. So how do you find yours?

THE DEFINING FEATURE OF A MEANINGFUL LIFE

is connecting and contributing to something beyond the self. Activities like going shopping, sleeping in, and playing games just make us happy, but activities like cheering up a friend, reflecting on our values, and taking care of children make us feel our lives are meaningful.

I grew up in a Sufi meeting house in Montréal. Sufism is a school of mysticism associated with Islam. The whirling dervishes are probably the most famous Sufis, but there are many different orders, and my parents belonged to one that originated in Iran in the 14th century that today has meeting houses all over the world. Twice a week, Sufis came to our house to drink tea, tell stories, and meditate by sitting on the ground and silently repeating a mantra as traditional Iranian Sufi music played in the background.

The Sufis who came to my home were not unique; they found meaning in life by turning to spiritual and religious traditions. As I grew up, my purpose became to search for meaning wherever I could, studying philosophy in college then positive psychology in graduate school, to help people understand what mindsets, behaviours, and goals contribute to our wellbeing. Along the way, I discovered you can have more than one source of meaning and that no two people will have the exact same ones. Still, in my research, I found there are certain themes that come up again and again when people talk about what makes their lives meaningful. The ‘pillars’ of meaning, as I call them, are Belonging (to our tribe and within our relationships), Purpose (a beyond-the-self goal that motivates us), Storytelling (creating our own narrative to make sense of our experiences) and Transcendence (connecting to something beyond the everyday, ie. religion or meditation).

THERE’S A PHENOMENON IN PSYCHOLOGY KNOWN AS THE ‘IKEA EFFECT’.

Putting together Ikea furniture makes people like it more, and what holds true for cheap Swedish furniture can also be applied to our lives more broadly. When we devote ourselves to difficult but worthwhile tasks, our lives feel more significant.

In the case of Ashley, meaning came from her sense of purpose. Cleaning the yards and stalls can be painful, stinky, and gruelling work, but she does it for the sake of her animals. For me, my purpose may mean long days writing my book, or decoding difficult texts, but ultimately I know this is what I need to do. There can, of course, be a sweet spot of meaning and happiness, like cooking a meal for family and friends, or activities that bring us meaning in the short run and happiness in the long run, such as working towards an important long-term goal.

The happiness craze has been a distraction. What we really need is meaning. People who have meaning in life are more resilient. They are less likely to be depressed; they also live longer and enjoy better health; and, if they work or are students, are more productive and successful. Meaning leaves us with a deeper sense of wellbeing.

The Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl knew this better than anyone: “Happiness,” he wrote, “cannot be pursued; it must ensue. One must have a reason to ‘be happy’.”

The Power Of Meaning: Crafting A Life That Matters by Emily Esfahani Smith (Rider books, £14.99; out 14th January)