Ask Helen
Celebrity agony aunt Helen Lederer gives you her heartfelt advice every week
Reassure her that you will still visit, and you’ll have time to talk if a carer does the chores
As someone who has been a social worker, mother, wife and divorcee I have been around the block a few times. I’m humbled to answer your questions and feel that if a problem can be shared it can be halved – at the very least.
You have my sympathy as this is such a difficult situation made worse by the fear of Covid. There is real fear among the frail and elderly that catching Covid is the end. It seems your mother just wants you to be her carer and is avoiding the fact that this could impinge on your other responsibilities. I think you’re correct in saying her main concern is about letting a stranger into her house, but she may be concerned you would come less often as well. You can reassure her that you would still visit as before, but would have more time just to talk if someone else did some of the chores. Anything regarding a carer would have to operate within the Covid regulations and this is an important fact to get across to your mother. You could also suggest you’d be there at the same time as the carer to start with, so that you would get to know each other. Small steps can solve this problem. If familiarity with a new system can be established, you can banish her fears and move forwards together. Perhaps you can find a way to involve your mother in the goings on within your own family? Some Zoom calls or cards from your children would remind her that other family members are taking an interest in her. She in turn can start to look outwards which has to be good for her mental health.