Chris Pascoe’s Fun Tales

Ted’s rabbit girlfriend Billie takes to courting the cat...

I’m in considerable pain at the moment, courtesy of a bad back that was probably partly caused by my being forced to spend 3,344 years on my feet at a London exhibition recently (see last week).

I’m not very brave with pain – always ready to complain bitterly about every little knock and instantly assuming I’m having a heart attack every time I get mild indigestion

– but on this occasion, my back really is bad!

Every time I attempt to straighten up as I get off the sofa I look like I’m going through the stages of a human evolutionary chart. Reaching human posture hasn’t been possible for a few days now.

This home imprisonment has forced me into spending a lot more time with a certain rabbit named Ted, the World’s Daftest Rabbit. This has been an interesting experience, not least because, on the odd occasion he’s awake, he seems to be at war with the house’s resident giant feline, Bodmin. Of course he is... why wouldn’t Ted choose to declare hostilities on an iron-clawed killing-machine four times his own size and weight? It seems like a naturally stupid thing to do. Naturally Ted.

The cause of this friction seems to be jealousy over Ted’s live-in-partner-girl-rabbit, Billie.

Billie, always fond of Bodmin despite knowing Ted never approved, has taken Bodmin’s recent constant interest to mean he’s taken a renewed shine to her.

She thinks he wants to take her out to dinner, whereas he actually just wants to have her for dinner!

Probably because of her mistake, and also because her best other offer is the mainly unconscious Ted, she’s become incredibly flirtatious with the worst possible cat in the world to flirt with.

The situation progresses thus... Bodmin jumps onto the utility room worktop that the rabbit cage is situated on. Billie then sidles up to him through the bars, and Bodmin attempts to take her head off. Billie sees this as a romantic advance and presses still closer, something that’s already resulted in her losing clumps of fur.

When Ted wakes to witness all this courting, he becomes furious, jumping on and over Billie at pace and slamming headfirst into the bars. This often has two immediate results -–Ted bounces head over heels into his toilet tray, while a surprised Bodmin takes one step back and falls off the worktop.

Ted the daft rabbit seems to be at war with our giant feline

This hasn’t amused Bodmin at all and his attitude to Ted has changed dramatically – namely, he’s totally furious and wants to kill him.

Because of all this, we’ve started lining the outside perimeter of the cage with tupperware bowls full of water to try to stop Bodmin getting too close.

I have to say that, despite my back pain, I’ve found myself marvelling at the sight of a large black cat attempting to jump from floor to worktop and pulling multiple bowls of water over his own head. He’ll repeat this up to 5 times a day.

Which of the two did I say was stupid?

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