AGONY IS BROUGHT TO YOU IN ASSOCIATION

I GAVE my girlfriend the most romantic treat I could think of for her birthday – I bought a box of beers, some lube, a PVC nurse’s uniform and a heavy-duty porn film. I microwaved a couple of ready meals and hoovered the sofa. As we sat there watching the porn, her in her PVC outfit, swigging back the beers, she asked what the lube was for?

I told her that as it was her birthday I’d be treating her to some back-door action.

But as she rubbed her arse up, the romance of the whole scenario caused me to come in my pants. I’ve been far too embarrassed to call her since.

What should I do? I TOOK in a couple of young ladies as lodgers in my large Victorian terraced house recently.

Not only does it help pay the bills but I’ve got a sister who lives out in Australia and I’d really love to visit her later this year.

I am 45, divorced, and folk say I’ve kept myself looking fit and presentable.

Soon after these two girls, who are in their early 20s, moved in, I stayed up one night having a drink and a chat with one of them, a cute and busty brunette.

I eventually went up to bed but was surprised when she crept into my bed. DT, Lincs SHE sounds like a classy lady, so I’m sure she’ll forgive you. I HAVE just moved in with my gorgeous girlfriend who is the horniest babe alive and loves sex.

She lets me watch motor racing on telly but she hates footie and has said I have to choose between her and seeing the games.

I’m a lifelong Leeds United fan and although we’ve been pretty shit for ages and I can’t afford a season ticket, I used to look forward to following them on the telly whenever possible, even if it’s just highlights.

But every time she comes in, and I’ve got some footie action on the box, she goes mental and screams at me.

My girl said yesterday that if I watched another minute of football she wouldn’t touch my cock for a month – and I can’t go that long without getting my paws on her hot body.

So I’m torn between my love for Leeds – and watching any football action, however bad – and my love of shagging my missus.

What should I do? EN, West Yorks YOU don’t really need me to tell you the answer to that conundrum, do you?