Please spare us festive sanitiser gags, Mrs Brown

The KM Group columnist with his own look at the world

Christmas is the worst time of the year. Sure, the concept is OK, the food is great and it can be nice seeing people, but when considered in its entirety it’s terrible. The music is almost universally bad, the TV schedule is hugely disappointing and the fact that in 2020 one of the most eagerly anticipated events is a department store’s advert is shameful for a species which has spent 300,000 years ostensibly improving. The problem with Covid and Christmas is not that the virus has put paid to it but that it’s threatening to ruin the few decent bits while seemingly aiding the worst parts. Robbie Williams is now threatening to release a Covid-themed Christmas song and he must be stopped.

He is the greatest entertainer of all time but the pandemic could well be the end of him if he follows through.

It was back in

Lockdown 1 when

Gary Barlow and Cliff

Richard performed the first known Zoom duet, which is apparently now being used in

Guantanamo Bay.

But a sociallydistanced yule may well lead to similar musical atrocities.

Remember, Cliff loves

Christmas more than anyone aged over eight.

Last week the Daily

Mail whipped up faux outrage directed at the BBC for censoring

Fairytale of New York, while simultaneously censoring its own article.

It’s a good song but this is a problem a) because it’s a strange old crusade and b) because it’s nowhere near as good as the undisputed best Christmas song of all time which should be number one every year, East 17’s Stay Another Day.

Worse still would be a version of The Pogues’ classic replacing the offending words with Covid-themed ones, which I have not got the talent or minerals to attempt. Clearly it’s not going to be a normal Christmas but we can do better than this, because if Mrs Brown’s Boys attempts a sanitiser joke and I am unfortunate enough to watch it I will drown myself in gravy.

‘He is the greatest entertainer of all time but the pandemic could well be the end of him if he follows through...’