NOID VS NOID
Three characters all named “Noid” collide in a paranoid conspiracy theory, involving wizards, Arctic shamans, video games, mental illness, cannabinoids, a shootout, Michael Jackson, Robert Anton Wilson and pizza. JEFFREY VALLANCE explains…
JEFFREY VALLANCE presents a paranoid conspiracy theory, involving Arctic shamans, video games, mental illness, a shootout, Michael Jackson, Robert Anton Wilson and pizza.
The Noid character, created in the 1980s, is an advertising mascot for Detroit-based Domino’s Pizza chain, with the catchy marketing slogan, “Avoid the Noid”. The evil wizard-like Noid wears a red, skintight, pointed-eared body suit with a black “N” inscribed in a white circle. The Noid is a physical manifestation of all the anxieties (or becoming annoyed – “a noid”) inherent in delivering pizza – in 30 minutes or less. Similar to a gremlin, the Noid tries to foil pizza delivery employees, but pathetically always fails.
The graphic designer who created the Domino’s Noid surely must have had some knowledge of the Lapland noid – the traditional Saami shaman or wizard. The evil pizza wizard and the Lapp shaman share many surprisingly similar characteristics. They are both trickster/wizard characters dressed in red with supernatural powers. The pizza Noid sometimes wears a garish pointed wizard hat. The red ears of the Noid recall ancient Scandinavian rock paintings and symbols on Saami drums depicting figures with two or three pronged horns, believed to represent gods or shamans. The Siberian shamans were known for their horned headdresses symbolising their powerful reindeer god. The Lapp shaman sometimes wears a colourful pointed cap of “The Four Winds”. Although it is degrading to the Saami, their caps are sometimes likened to the multi-coloured court jester’s cap (or fools cap), complete with dangling cloth tipped with bells. For divination, the Lapp shaman noid employs a magic kettledrum, whereas the pizza Noid carries an equivalent drum-like tambourine [ FT245:73-74].
THE NOID SHAMAN
Living in subarctic northern Sweden for three years, I became familiar with the Lapp (Saami) crafts and traditions, especially the rituals associated with the mysterious noid shamans. Traditionally, Lapland was considered to be the abode of devils, shamans, sorcerers, wizards, witches, fairies, trolls and wildmen. The Lapland Saami shaman or noid, (the Magi of the North, also spelled nöjd, noyde and noajdde) were believed to have power over the wind and the ability to raise storms. They also had
the gifts of second sight, mystic visions, extracorporeal travel, shapeshifting, invisibility, and the skill to conjure apparitions. The Saami shaman beats his drum until he reaches the specific rhythm and tone that sends him into a trancelike state of ecstasy. In this altered state, his soul travels to the spirit world to converse with the dead [ FT192:44-49].
Siberian shamans feed psychedelic mushrooms to their reindeer. The animal’s metabolism removes the toxins, leaving the hallucinogenic properties intact in the urine, which the shamans drink to “fly high”. No one will speak of it, but there still are Saami shamans – however, these days they keep a low profile on account of historic cruel persecution by the Church. In the past, Swedish shamans were horrifically burnt alive at the stake. I recall one evening at a winter gathering in Jokkmokk, when a man rushed in from the bitter cold – he intensely rhythmically beat his nöjd drum until he dropped to the floor unconscious, obviously in a trance state.
THE RED EARS OF THE NOID RECALL SYMBOLS ON SAAMI DRUMS OF FIGURES WITH TWO PRONGED HORNS
PARANOID
Kenneth Lamar Noid, 22, (from Albany, Georgia) believed that Dominos Pizza “Noid” on TV commercials was a personal attack on him [ FT56:55]. He became annoyed when people started making fun of his name annoyingly saying, “Avoid the
Noid”. What’s more, Mr Noid thought that Domino’s owner, Tom S Monaghan, had stolen his name and was stealthily snooping around his apartment. On 30 January 1989, Mr Noid, armed with a .457 calibre Magnum, held two employees hostage for over five hours at the Domino’s restaurant at Chamblee, near Atlanta, Georgia. He forced employees to make him two special pizzas – and then call the police. Noid demanded $100,000 in ransom, a getaway helicopter and a copy of the book The Widow’s Son by Robert Anton Wilson.
The 1985 book The Widow’s Son (advertised as “a fairy tale for paranoids”) deals with secret societies, such as Rosicrucians, Jacobites, Masons, and the Illuminati. Throughout history, secret societies have played a crucial role in shaping conspiracy theories, so could that be why Mr Noid – believing he was the victim of a conspiracy controlled by Domino’s Pizza – demanded a copy of The Widow’s Son?
Occult author Robert Anton Wilson (19321999), a self-described agnostic mystic, was captivated by the theories of Charles Fort and often contributed to FT. He was friends with cryptozoologist Loren Coleman and co-authored books with Timothy Leary. The wizard-like Wilson was bestowed the illustrious title of “Pope Bob” by the Church of the SubGenius. He himself was the target for paranoia from a lot of conspiracy buffs. Wilson was aware that Mr Noid had requested a copy of his book during the Domino’s incident. He wrote in his newsletter: “Noid got annoyed and perhaps a little paranoid too.”
It is no coincidence that Mr Noid asked for a book on paranoid conspiracy theories; as such conspiracies possibly made him leery of the Domino’s Noid. In Wilson’s 1981 book Masks of the Illuminati (featuring the Loch Ness Monster), the characters are annoyed by the föhn (or foehn), a dry wind that blows down from Alpine regions such as the mountains of Lapland. A “foehn” is also a magic spell that manipulates the wind. Traditionally, nöjd shamans have this power over the wind. Wilson writes: “The border between the Real and the Unreal is not fixed, but just marks the last place where rival gangs of shamans fought each other to a standstill.”
When the police finally arrived at Domino’s Pizza, Mr Noid fired four warning shots into the ceiling. While he ate the pizzas with his gun in his lap, he
turned his back for a moment and the hostages escaped – a few minutes later he surrendered to the police. Atlanta police chief Reed Miller said: “He’s paranoid”. Mr Noid was charged with kidnapping, aggravated assault, extortion and possession of a firearm during a crime. He was found not guilty by reason of insanity. Kenneth Lamar Noid spent three months in a mental institution, and sadly eventually committed suicide in 1995. This incident caused Domino’s Pizza to temporarily suspend using the Noid as their mascot.
POP GOES THE NOID
The 1988 film Moonwalker (starring Michael Jackson) has a section called “Speed Demon” in which Jackson is chased by the Domino’s Noid, who is later arrested.
The film perhaps foretells Mr Noid’s arrest by the police in the coming year. Also in 1988, a Saturday morning cartoon series called
The Noids was planned for CBS, but due to complaints by parents that it was merely an advertising ploy to market pizza to children, the idea was abandoned.
In 1989, a computer game named Avoid the Noid was released. The goal of the game is to deliver a pizza within a half-hour timeframe while being harassed by aggravated Noids. In 1990, another video game called
Yo! Noid was released in which the Noid is actually a superhero, using his magic yo-yo (like gauchos with boleadoras) to battle evil.
In an episode of The Simpsons TV show
“NOID GOT ANNOYED AND PERHAPS A LITTLE PARANOID TOO”
in 2000 called “Homer vs. Dignity,” the Noid makes a cameo appearance looming overhead as a huge Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon. In 2001, in yet another episode of The Simpsons called “She of Little Faith”, set in the Springfield Church, the Noid preaches an inspired sermon on “The Sanctity of Deliciousness”. In 2006, a shockingly graphic episode of Family Guy called “Deep Throats” shows the character Mayor Adam West brutally killing the Noid by slamming his blood-splattered head against a wall. Ouch!
In 2011, the video game The Noid’s Super Pizza Shootout appeared, calling to mind Mr Noid’s real pizza shootout. In 2016, a pinball machine came out called “The
Domino’s Spectacular Pinball Adventure” featuring the Noid, who spins around on a UFO-shaped “pizza crusher”. In the game, Domino’s employees battle a massive Noid brandishing a gun (again recalling Mr Noid’s .457 Magnum). An army tank fires pizza ingredients at the giant Noid. In the background of the pinball marquee, a rebellious youth spray paints “Noid Rules” on a brick wall.
Ever since Kenneth Lamar Noid held Domino’s Pizza employees hostage at gunpoint, his saga, like a conspiracy theory, has been incorporated and interwoven into many of the subsequent paranoid storylines involving the Noid wizard character.
More recently, the pejorative term
“noids” became short for “synthetic cannabinoids,” drugs that produce an artificial high similar to cannabis, but with the side effect of profound paranoia. The slang street names for noids include; Spice, Wizard, Joker, Genie, Hysteria, Time Traveller, Mad Hatter, Karma and Funky Buddha. Furthermore, the slang term “noid” in popular culture has come to mean: paranoid, crazy, insane, weird and strange – basically all the things we like as forteans.
REFERENCES
FT56:55; Jeffrey Vallance: “Lapp of the Gods”, FT192:44-49, Feb 2005; Jeffrey Vallance: “Lapp Shaman Drum,” FT245:73-74, Feb 2009.
✒ JEFFREY VALLANCE is an artist, writer, curator, explorer and paranormal experiencer. He has published over 10 books, including Blinky the Friendly Hen, Relics and Reliquaries and The Vallance Bible. He is currently working on a new anthology, Selected Spiritual Writings, to be released next year.