Icouldn’tsee awayout,soI cutmywrist thenIrealised thatIdidn’t wanttodie

Olympic speed skater Elise Christie hit the top but suffered disqualification and injury at two Olympics. She has endured mental health issues, online abuse and death threats but is aiming for a medal at the 2022 Winter Games. Her autobiography is an insi

BY December 28 2018, I had reached breaking point. No matter how I tried to rationalise everything in my already scrambled brain, I just couldn’t see a way to

escape all the problems.

Christ, I was very damaged after PyeongChang. I thought, “I’m done”. And with that thought, the blade went in. As it did, I knew enough to understand that I was no longer myself, no longer Elise. I’d cut myself before of course, but that was different. By December 2018, I’d reached a point in my life where I simply couldn’t sweep everything under the carpet: the frustration because of injuries, the low self-worth, the constant financial pressures of being an athlete in a minority sport whose boyfriend had just dumped them by text message. Then there was losing Nick Gooch, my coach. It felt like there was nothing left in my life.

I’d just had enough, the inner pain was just too much and I was sufficiently desperate that I found myself upstairs in my house at midnight holding a razor blade against my left wrist.

I’d like to say that I know what my intention was that night but I genuinely don’t. There was no conscious thought whatsoever.

The blade cut through this white coloured object and I clearly saw the two halves fall away. Oddly, there was no pain. “Was that my vein?” I thought, instantly returning to myself. “It is my vein... I’m going to die.” One thing I knew right then was that I didn’t want to die. I shouted to my friend Brett for help. Thank God he was downstairs.

He loaded me into the front seat of his car and drove me to the hospital. On the way there I went through what I’d just done, over and over in my head. Why had I gone so much further this time? Was I trying to shock myself ? Can I ever stop this? “This isn’t normal,” I thought.

People ask what will you do if it all goes wrong in Beijing in 2022, just like the last two Olympics? I understand myself so well now, I know that I’ll absolutely fall apart if Beijing goes t**s up for some reason. I fully expect to cry on TV and I fully expect to experience all of the crushing feelings of disappointment I felt in 2014 and 2018. I will crumple. But the difference is that this time, no matter how much I implode in the aftermath, I’ll survive. I know that, given time, I’ll re-emerge and get on with the rest of my life. If people shout at me in the street in Nottingham, “You’re a flop!” I can take that. I am, if nothing else, resilient.

Elise Christie: Resilience, published by Reach Sport, is on sale September 30. Save 25 per cent from reachsportshop. com

I know that I’ll re-emerge and get on with my life ELISE CHRISTIE ON POTENTIAL PAIN AT 2022 OLYMPICS