THE WHINE LIST
Complaints, confessions, and some very strict instructions. Vicky Lissaman delves into the hidden world of the holiday guest book
Nearly 50 years have passed since sitcom Fawlty Towers first hit our TV screens. Set across 12 classic episodes, audiences were treated to hotelier Basil Fawlty’s direct way of dealing with the whines and whims of his guests, which created plenty of quotable comedy moments.
Who can forget Basil’s exasperated response when the troublesome Mrs Richards complained about the view?
“May I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel window? Sydney Opera House? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest…?” is a line that has gone down in TV history, and the show is now a West End production.
So when expectations don’t quite match up to reality, do you demand to see the proprietor? Perhaps you prefer a tirade on Tripadvisor?
But if it’s not in your nature to have a face-toface showdown, or let rip in a public keyboard rant, how do you get your holiday niggles off your chest?
There is no better way to have a passive-aggressive pop than in the holiday guest book.
These unsung heroes of holiday history are a little window into what’s gone on, over time, at the place you’re staying.
While some entries are scathing, others are full of praise, and some are by guests who simply want to leave a little bit of themselves behind for others to see.
Here are some of the diamonds we unearthed after trawling the holiday guest books of Britain…
The complainers
Did a broken bedside lamp completely ruin your holiday? Did a toilet roll holder falling off a wall cause you immeasurable stress? No problem or situation is too small or insignificant to point out in a holiday guest book – and you can give the owners a good ticking off in the process.
“Outside needs a good sweep,” wrote the Morgan family from
Welwyn Garden City, after a weekend stay in a cottage in Aldeburgh in 2017. “Dishwasher temperamental,” declared the Wheelers from Derby after a week in Westward Ho! Hard to imagine how anyone could enjoy a holiday after encountering such horrors…
The guilty party
Perhaps you cracked a Prosecco glass? What about the heart-shaped soap dish you accidentally shattered in the ensuite?
“Broke a mug. Replaced with three others,” wrote the Reeves family from Bristol, after their York townhouse stay in 2018.
“Pulled bathroom blind off roller. Couldn’t get it back on,” admitted Paul and Julie from Leicester in Weymouth in 2021. Confessing mishaps in the guest book is a guaranteed way to ensure you can go on to live the rest of your life free of the guilt that plagued you during your week in Tenby.
It wasn’t me
But what if you arrive to find something already broken or not working?
You can’t have the owner thinking it was you who caused the sink to block or the cupboard door to come off its hinges, or that it was you who stole the dice from the Monopoly. Better make a note of it… “Bird ornament in bedroom – part of its tail loose. Already done before our arrival,” wrote the Dixons from Berkshire, after their week in St Ives.
“Eiffel Tower lamp next to green armchair not working. Tried replacing bulb. No luck,” reported Geoff and Marion after renting a bungalow on Anglesey.
Do you know where you are?
And, of course, like Basil and the view of Torquay, there’s a mountain of grumbles about things an owner can do nothing about.
“Too many stairs,’’ up to a fourthfloor holiday flat in Aberystwyth, which states it has no lift, put the mockers on “Dad’s 80th birthday celebrations”.
“Weather abysmal,” chimed Monty after his Scottish Highlands stay in February 2023.
The jolly ones
But it’s not all bad in the world of holiday guest books. Some visitors had a spiffing time…
The Braithwaites from Salisbury who stayed in a holiday cottage in Hampshire two years before you did, really want you to know that their black labrador loved chasing squirrels in the garden.
Same with the Potters from Wrexham who “sat up ’til the wee small hours on the last night to complete the 1,000-piece jigsaw of Lyme Regis, only to discover that a piece was missing – oh disaster!”
The stories behind the visits
Among the moans and the misdemeanours, visitors’ books can be heartwarming places, full of uplifting tales about how people came to be holidaying in the same place as you.
The story of the “three friends from school who all met up for the first time in 30 years in the New Forest for a weekend ‘drinking wine and reminiscing’,” paints a warm, fuzzy picture.
Along with the mum who took her kids to the same holiday cottage near Betws-y-Coed she went to as a child. “It still has the picture of a steam train in the children’s bedroom,” she wrote.
There are endless entries about celebrations, birthdays and anniversaries involving people you will never meet, but because you have drunk from the same teacup, you feel a sort of bond as you imagine them and chatting around the table.
The manual
So when you’ve trawled the guest book, there’s always the owner’s instruction manual to get stuck into.
And there’s nothing like a bulging A4 ringbinder left on a kitchen worktop to keep you on your toes.
Helpful notices such as “bin day is Tuesday, recycling Wednesday” will prompt the kind of panic that makes you put special alerts on your phone.
Whereas “check out by 10am sharp before housekeeping arrives” is enough to make the last night of your stay a sleepless one!
Names have been changed to
protect the identities of those featured
‘‘
Have a passiveaggressive pop in the holiday guest book