I’m obsessively jealous over girlfriend’s social media pals

Dear Coleen

I’m a man in my early-30s and I’ve been with my partner for just over two years. I’ve been married before and I have a daughter with my ex.

My problem is, I get so jealous over things my girlfriend does or says, her friendships with other men, her social media posts and so on.

I’ve found it hard during lockdown and have become a bit obsessed about her social media friendships.

We have a really good relationship in all other ways and we’ve talked about marriage and having our own kids one day. But I always seem to ruin things by commenting on her friendships and it usually ends in a row. I can tell she’s getting tired of it.

I’m sure my problems stem from my ex cheating on me with a friend of mine, which was devastating and humiliating. Then we had a difficult divorce and fought a lot over arrangements for our daughter. Things have calmed down a lot since then, but I think it has damaged me.

I wish I didn’t react like this to things that most other people wouldn’t have a problem with. Can you advise?

Coleen says

When you’ve been hurt in the past, of course it’s going to affect how you feel about future relationships. You’ve been left feeling fragile and certain things will trigger your insecurities. It can take time to rebuild your confidence, but the good thing is, you know where you’re going wrong and it seems clear you want to tackle it.

When we get ourselves into a new relationship we don’t know how it’s going to pan out, but it doesn’t sound as if your girlfriend has given you any signs that she’s not committed to you and is likely to start cheating.

She’s not your ex and you can’t go through your life expecting everyone to behave in the same way as your ex did or you’ll never give yourself the chance to be happy. You’ll also drive your partner away.

It’s horrible that you were cheated on, but it’s in the past and you’ve done a good job of moving on and finding a great partner you can be happy with.

Hopefully, she won’t cheat on you but, supposing she did, you’ll be OK because you survived it before and you can again.

You’ve got a clean slate here so be happy about that and focus on all the good things about your relationship.

If you try to control who your girlfriend talks to or engages with over social media it’s not good for your relationship and you’re demonstrating that you don’t trust her.

It’s very draining to have a partner who is possessive or needs constant reassurance. Stop anticipating things going wrong and let yourself be happy so you can strengthen this good relationship you’re building.

Ex cheated on me with a mate, it was humiliating