Daily Mirror (Northern Ireland)
Super League Fatigue Monday
All week it’s been German model this, German model that. Super this, super model that.
I just couldn’t understand...
Why was everyone suddenly so obsessed with Heidi Klum?
Of course, it actually turned out it was all about men playing with their balls.
And I say men, because women’s football is not yet involved in the silly schoolyard squabble that is the Super League scandal.
For anyone who is unclear about what’s happened, the popular big boys decided to stop their less popular, smaller mates playing with them, and decided to go off and play with some other big boys from elsewhere.
If that all has a ring of familiarity, I suspect you have kids or grandkids at the local primary.
So why do “The Big Six” clubs think they’re so special? There’s a lot of talk about superior footwork, outstanding endurance, and excellent balance and co-ordination. But if that’s the criteria, how can they not see the German model is better in every way?
After all, if you’re talking about impressive footwork: She can stand all day in 6in heels – and still deliver the perfect shot.
Acting Royalty Tuesday
It’s been a tough year for the Royals. But there’s finally some good news for The Queen and Prince Charles.
They’ve snagged parts in Downton Abbey 2.
Ah, hang on...
It’s actually the stars playing them in the next season of The Crown.
The new queen, Imelda Staunton, and the next bedhopping Prince Charles, dodgy Dominic “Wild” West, will both be in the Downton sequel, it’s been revealed.
One would have thought married West would be persona non grata at Downton after his Roman holiday PDAS with Lady Rose, aka Lily James, last year.
And I suspect any tongue-lashing he got from his wife will be nothing compared to what the Lady Dowager will have to say. But while you’d have
thought we had enough posh actors without The Crown and Downton having to jobshare, maybe Julian Fellowes could turn this to his advantage with a crossover episode. The Queen’s corgis could cause havoc for Carson and the footmen, Lady Mary could trade her knight-in-shining armour Matthew Goode for a real-life prince, and Randy Andy could put his military background to good use and preoccupy himself with the goings on downstairs. No change there then.
Line of Booty Wednesday
There could be Murder on the dancefloor on this year’s Strictly.
For The Beeb is keeping Line of Duty’s bent copper PC Ryan Pilkington under intrusive surveillance, to see if he could serve a stint on the show.
DI Jo Davidson and co would certainly be happy for Pilkington, aka actor Gregory Piper, to Foxtrot Oscar from MIT. But they probably wouldn’t expect to see him shaking his booty on BBC primetime.
Still, some might say Pilkington prancing around in polka dots, fake tan and Lycra will be a better punishment than whatever’s happens in that dark and dingy lorry park with DI Fleming tomorrow night.
For let’s face it, a bullet to the chest, punishment from the OCG or a grilling from AC-12, would all sting less than one of Craig Revel Horwood’s barbs.
Williamson, aka Barry.
It’s been 17 years since things went downhill and Janine gave him the push...
And he’s probably still wondering why Barry couldn’t have been a better cliffhanger (literally).
Funky Friday
Bake Off judge Prue Leith may be about the soggy bottoms nowadays, but it turns out she’s also had her fill of saggy ones too. On Friday it was revealed she accidentally It was announced The Avengers’ spinoff ended up at an orgy in Black Widow is hitting screens in Paris as a teen, only to July...but soap fans will soon be see “room after room of welcoming their own Black bouncing bottoms”. Widow into the fold. Hear the ins and Yes, lock your doors, outs in her interview Walford, because Super-b **** tonight on the Jonathan Butcher is back! Ross Show. Charlie Brooks, will be returning as Janine for the first This got me thinking, perhaps there time in seven years. Considering should be a spin-off in the making. three of Janine’s four Channel 4 loves Bake Off, and it also husbands have met a grisly loves shows about eyebrow-raising end, I imagine Eastenders lifestyle choices. (The Man Who Lives actors are now sucking up to As A Pup, World of Weird: The Man the scriptwriters like with 39 Wives etc.) nobody’s business. So, why not combine the two? Prue For whoever they Leith bakes jam roly-polys while choose as her new love chatting to members of a plus-size interest, will likely find it’s naturist club, shows a BDSM group the kiss of death for their how to perfect an Bird’s Instant Whip time in the Square. and helps a group of female wrestlers Just ask poor Shaun get the jelly consistency just right.
* Forrest Gump. No, just joking. It was Titanic, of course.
Janine The Mean Thursday