Daily Mirror (Northern Ireland)
My bloke’s demanding exes are making me feel insecure
Dear Coleen
I have been with my partner for a few years now, but his relationships with his ex-partners still manage to annoy me.
It seems the longer he’s apart from them, the less he remembers about the way they both treated him. He has children and grandchildren with his first partner, but none with his second, although her children and grandchildren treat him as their father and grandfather.
He calls his first partner to ask her questions a lot – mostly about the kids and old friends. However, his second partner calls him, supposedly about her children and grandchildren, and wants to go on days out with him and keep painting a united front for the kids.
I’m getting so fed up, as I see absolutely no reason for contact at all with his second partner. I agree he should have contact with her children, but definitely not her.
Do you think I’m being unreasonable and insecure? He has given me no reason to doubt him and he’s told me he has no feelings for either women any more. I’d welcome your opinion.
Coleen says
You’re with a man who has two families, so he comes as a package deal, but I’m sure you understood that when you got together. Of course, in reality, dealing with former partners and becoming involved in the lives of his children and also his grandchildren is not going to be straightforward.
There will be challenges and bumps in the road, but the important thing is that you’re on the same page and that you both present a united front.
I don’t think he needs to see his second ex-partner to present a united front for her children, who are obviously all adults now.
But, as you say, of course he should see her children and grandchildren because he’s been their father and grandfather and those relationships will be important for all concerned.
There might be times when he needs to speak to this ex when it concerns one of the kids, and there might be times when he’ll have to see her – at family events such as weddings or birthdays, for example. But I don’t think days out are necessary.
You’re clearly feeling insecure, so that’s what you have to talk to your partner about and he should take your feelings into account. It might just be a case of him trying to keep everyone happy and struggling to do so.
Why not try to come up with a plan you’re both happy with when it comes to dealing with his exes? And it might also help if you got to know his children and grandchildren better, and became more involved rather than stepping back or hiding away.
Show his exes you’re important in his life and you’re not going anywhere.
She wants to put on a united front for the kids
FOR 30 years Kerry Evans worked in the world of insurance. But when, out of nowhere, she was made redundant, she let it turn her whole world upside down.
Kerry, 51, ditched the corporate world and its matching salary, started volunteering and then found a job with the Royal Voluntary Service (RVS), helping her own community in Batley, West Yorkshire.
What do you do?
My title is a community development worker, which I started in October 2019. In normal circumstances that means supporting various community activities helping groups run everything from lunch clubs to exercise classes. I help co-ordinate and train our amazing volunteers.
That has all changed with the pandemic of course and now we have switched to offering support wherever we can.
This ranges from keeping in touch regularly with the community to delivering food and prescriptions. We have never really left lockdown in this region so sadly our classes and groups haven’t been able to meet in the flesh for a year.
What led to this?
I started in insurance straight from college at 18 and was a loss adjuster for the last 15 years. Out of the blue, with no clue whatsoever, I was told I was being made redundant. I never saw it coming. I left and was put on gardening leave for three months.
It was such a horrible shock, and I didn’t really know what to do with myself. I had been working for 60-70 hours a week for years.
My confidence fell through the floor and I was unsure how I could see myself out of the problem. After a short while I knew I had to pull myself together and do something.
Coincidently, only days before I lost my job I had spotted a Royal Voluntary Service notice at the supermarket asking for volunteers. I took a picture of it as I left with my weekly shop.
I’d been beginning to think it was time to give something back to the community.
Suddenly I had all this time on my hands and decided I needed to use it well and volunteering was the perfect answer. I started out helping out at a lunch club. I have never felt so welcome and useful.
They asked if I could cook and when I told them very firmly that I couldn’t, I was assigned tea-making duties.
I was then able to join the befriending scheme which meant spending time with an older gentleman in his home.
It was so wonderful hearing his stories and getting to know him. I felt so valued for the first time in a long time.
Did you stop looking for work?
Not at all – I applied for and got another corporate job working in the legal department of a large retail firm but after four weeks I left. I just wasn’t happy and realised that I no longer wanted that life. I didn’t feel I was making a real difference to anyone and I suddenly understood that being a part of my community was what I wanted. That happened to tie in with a vacancy in the RVS office for an administrator. The fact they knew me though volunteering stood me in good stead, and I got it. From that day forward I’ve never regretted it. I am where I am meant to be and that feels really good.
What do your friends make of it all?
They were shocked to start with and baffled by how much I managed to change my career so drastically. I tell them that the volunteering helped me make the change. It’s amazing how many of them have started giving their time now and they love it as well.
I have met so many wonderful people and made friends for life from different parts of my community. It has transformed my life. I tell anyone who’ll listen they should give it a go – there’s nothing to lose.
Kerry’s top reasons to volunteer
■ You will learn new skills and gain confidence
■ It actually helps people
■ It really can be life changing for those you help, and yourself
■ It connects communities
■ It can be great fun and you will make amazing new friends
■ It boosts your own mental health
Contacts
■ Royal Voluntary Service royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk
■ British Heart Foundation bhf.org.uk/volunteering
■ Citizens Advice citizensadvice.org.uk
■ Volunteering Matters for 18 to 35-year-olds volunteeringmatters.org.uk
■ vinspired, vinspired.com
■ Know your rights gov.uk/volunteering
■ Do-it, do-it.org.uk