At 70, am I too old to start a new life?

DEAR BEL

I DON’T want to be identified please as I could not bear the shame, but I feel I need your help.

I turned 70 in July and have been married for 50 years, with two daughters — but I am in turmoil and need outside advice.

I have always worked with my husband, helping with various aspects of his company. He could always manipulate me and I have no experience of other occupations.

We lost everything and now live in an apartment that belongs to one of my children. I have just realised my husband has had several women throughout our married life — even up to two years ago.

I am now beating myself up over this. He always managed to convince me that I was imagining it or was being paranoid. Not having a great start to life myself, I did not have the courage to leave him.

Early in March, I received an email which was meant for someone else. I have also found naked pictures on his phone which I’m assuming he is sending to other women.

I am really struggling to even look at him without wanting to shoot him — but I blame myself for not taking action earlier.

You are probably wondering why I am contacting you now. Well, I am aware of growing older and in lockdown things seemed to be getting worse. I dread the future.

Am I too late to try to make a new life for myself?

AMELIA

LET me assure you I see no reason whatsoever for you to feel ‘ shame’. Many people endure unhappy marriages, even long after they know they should have left. The longer you leave it, of course, the harder it is — and 50 years will seem a lifetime to much younger people who drift in and out of live-in relationships.

Or perhaps you are ashamed of yourself for becoming the ‘victim’ of a man who should be older and wiser than to leave naked pictures of himself (oh dear . . . revolting thought) on his phone. Can he really think this is attractive to women?

You feel trapped and blame yourself. But thank goodness you have enough spirit left to want to punish him, too. Who can blame you? You look back over your life and see yourself as the meek, dependent lackey of a man who ‘manipulated’ you throughout and covered his infidelities by ‘gaslighting’ — that is, insisting you were delusional all along.

The trigger for this email was reaching that milestone birthday and being stuck with your husband during lockdown.

And the current uncertainty (will they, won’t they imprison us all again?) is enough to make you miserably insecure.

Now you long for the courage to make a new start, but know perfectly well that to do so will require more of you than (perhaps) has ever been asked before.

My first question is whether your daughters have any inkling of how unhappy you are. I would like to feel you can confide in one or both of them.

Since the flat you are living in belongs to one of those daughters, you need to get her on side to convince her that you want your husband to move out.

I suggest you keep a record of what your husband says and does, and any incriminating evidence you find.

And I would study the Relate website to find out more about their services. You can talk to a counsellor on the phone or via email, and I believe you will find this helpful in clarifying your thoughts about past, present and future.

You ask if it’s too late for a new start — and of course I shout: ‘NO!’ Please imagine you will live for another 20 years and tell yourself those years are yours — precious time to be used well.

Imagine being free of the man who makes you so unhappy. Imagine standing tall at last and living the life you want. Is that possible? Yes. Will it be hard? Yes. But are you ready to seize happiness before you die? Yes — because you wrote to me and know it is time.