Miss Piggy, style icon of the filthy rich
The other day I was in Sloane Street in Knightsbridge, walking past any number of expensive boutiques and ‘luxury goods’ stores. I was struck, above all, by the hideousness of the items in the highly polished windows.
The trouble with extremely rich people is that they feel duty-bound to signal their extreme wealth to passers-by, perhaps unaware that most of them are, at best, indifferent and, at worst, resentful.
But these days, those who wish to display their wealth are in for a tough time. Not long ago, expensive clothes were more attractive than cheap clothes.
The more you paid, the better you looked; if you wanted something that fitted perfectly, you would have to invest in haute couture.
Today, the availability of stretchy fabrics such as Lycra has ensured that even the cheapest clothes fit well.
And stores such as h&M and Topshop have meant that fashion has become democratised: for very little money, you can buy clothes that are beautiful, stylish, sexy, sassy, etc, etc, and are available everywhere.
This has left the very rich in a pickle. Now that attractive clothes are available to all and sundry, the rich obviously can’t carry on wearing them or no one will twig how rich they are.
So, they have been driven to flash their wealth by wearing clothes that are too gaudy, too hideous, too dripping in gold and silver and — yes! — too expensive for the general public.
hey presto! Luxury has become synonymous with vulgarity.
‘ Sloane Street’ , reads the official website, ‘is London’s premiere shopping avenue for the world’s most revered luxury brands.’
I cannot recommend this website too highly, particularly for those who want a good laugh.
It is written in a sort of loopy, freefall version of english, almost as though someone had cut trendy words from a dictionary — statement, vision, lifestyle, creative, avant garde — and thrown them any old how into the air.
For instance, they describe Versace as ‘ a one-stop shop from fragrances that will amplify the sensual odor of women with striking aura of scent’.
Meanwhile, Atelier Versace is ‘ a small line of attire that dresses some of the most distinguished and visually demanding woman’.
So, if you happen to be a visually demanding woman who wants to amplify her sensual odor — for some reason, Miss Piggy springs to mind — you know where to go.
Meanwhile, we are informed that a store called, off-puttingly, Billionaire Couture, was founded by ‘ Italian lifestyle tycoon’ Flavio Briatore, who ‘ has brought to reality the vision of a confident fashion label for men that epitomises masculine haute couture with every-day wear ability’.
his stores ‘ have, at customer selection, hand-cut jeans and loafers featuring persuasive designs.
‘As an entrepreneur, Briatore has not neglected finishing touches. exotic materials such as alligator skin on belts and gold on buttons ensure that Billionaire Couture makes an impression on both the wearer and whoever he greets’.
By the way, a horrible Billionaire Couture snakeskin belt costs £877; a T- shirt with what they call ‘ a striking logo design’, which looks as though a bit of damp newsprint has rubbed off on it, costs £308; and a pair of ‘ Slim Biker Jeans’, which look as though they have been bought second-hand from a downat-heel charity store, cost £1,113.
These, we are told, ‘showcase the brand’s rebellious side’. Those looking for something mor e straightforward are promised ‘escada is a chic brand with a unpretentious personality that is brought about by the its accessibility and the stores settled and kind store ambiance’. Come again? A store called Jitrois ‘is an exploration of how magnificent lambskin is when stretched into a fitted dress with pronounced shoulders’ (£2,450), while Sandro ‘is an outgoing brand delivering a multipersonality assortment of womenswear that is opened to the imagination of various dress sense’. People wishing to put their pricy new clothes into the most expensive suitcase possible must already know where to go.
After all, ‘ walking into Louis Vuitton’ — presumably the writer means the store, not the person — ‘ is a euphoria of taking part in a retail experience’.
Those who wish to feel the euphoria of taking part in a retail experience without paying quite so much are advised to try their local Tesco.
And so it goes on. In Dolce & Gabbana, ‘where ever you look is a purse with an animal print, fine denim with a metal plaque on the waist or an extrovert strapless dress perfect for an evening out — regardless of what you look your eyes on, it wants to be touched, worn and make you look the part’.
The great edwardian writer Logan Pearsall Smith once observed that he loved to go window shopping, ‘ thinking of all the things I don’t desire’.
Nowadays, you can feel the same sense of exhilaration as you stroll along Sloane Street.