Calm and dazzling, Sam Cam’s a choux-in as the Bake Off queen
NOW that Bake Off has taken over television, we can succumb to the inevitable and let the format replace our political system, too. Instead of general elections, let’s have a Great British Vote Off.
Party leaders will gather in the One Nation tent ( with a semi- detached section for Nicola Sturgeon and the Scot Nats), vying for power with their cookery skills. Star Baker gets the keys to No 10 and forms a kitchen Cabinet.
Labour MPs will be thankful they got rid of Ed Miliband, who couldn’t even eat a sandwich, let alone bake the bread.
The Tories haven’t decided who their head chef will be, but Bake Off producers would love it to be Boris Johnson. He’ll be able to cover himself with eggs and flour as he entertains everyone hugely while making the most almighty mess . . . just as he’s done during spells of his career.
The Great Sport Relief Bake Off (BBC1) took the first step towards this new political reality as Samantha Cameron, wife of the Prime Minister, stepped up to the gingham altar and proceeded to dazzle everyone with a display of spectacular home economics.
She was so calm, so competent and such a quick learner that the Tory grandees must be wondering whether the wrong Cameron is in charge. Or perhaps she is quietly running the country from behind the scenes, leaving husband David to do all the flim-flammery such as PMQs.
Her vol-au-vents rose in perfect unison, and were filled with a mouth-watering crab and shrimp curry that is, she revealed, a Cam-family favourite.
Her choux pastry Paris-Brest rings were beautifully turned out, though she had never heard before of the almond pastry wheels much-loved by French racing cyclists.
And her showstopper — a surfers’ sponge cake with blue icing waves lapping around the sides and a strawberry surprise in the middle — would have won the crown in any ordinary round of Bake Off.
The other contestants were left in the shade. Former England goalkeeper David James declared he was so competitive that the others could win only by cheating, but it soon transpired that he barely knew how to turn on the oven.
EastEnders’ Maddy Hill suffered scary moments of brain freeze, chucking half a cupful of salt into the Paris-Brest mix. Just looking at the result was bad for your blood pressure.
The surprise talent was comedian Jason Manford. The producers had booked him for light-hearted relief, and he wasn’t expected to do more than muck around and crack jokes.
But a word of praise from Paul Hollywood for his canapes sent Jason into overdrive and he spent the rest of the programme as if he was on the MasterChef final.
Sam duly took first prize, saying: ‘I’m normally being given flowers for being David’s wife, so it’s really nice to get some for doing something I’ve done on my own.’
How sweet — and with any other result I would have complained to the Electoral Reform Society.
Bake Off always leaves viewers yearning for puff pastry and marzipan, so it was slightly reassuring to be told on Trust Me I’m A Doctor (BBC2) that these things are not always fattening. It depends on the microbes in our stomachs.
Some people can scoff Victoria sponge and never gain an ounce, but pile on the pounds when they eat brown rice. Presenter Saleyha Ahsan discovered that white bread caused her blood sugar levels to spike alarmingly, while ice cream oddly had no effect. The trouble with this show is that its findings are so inconclusive. The experts never tell us anything for certain.
Is too much exercise bad for us? Maybe — but the medics couldn’t decide. Does pineapple help us sleep? Possibly, but nobody’s sure. Is paracetamol effective? The doctors couldn’t say.
The experts did discover an ancient Chinese remedy that makes it easy to cut down on boozing, but then revealed it’s virtually impossible to buy the tablets in Britain.
The only useful tip was that, if you stand your bathroom scales on thick carpet instead of lino, you could appear to weigh 20lb less. That’s a lot of vol-au-vents.