101 YEARS OLD AND STILL REWRITING HISTORY...

THE discovery of the so-called Atlantic Sea Scrolls has led to a complete reassessment of the early history of America and Europe with revelations that have huge implications down to the present day. The scrolls contain the Gospel of Donald, which has provisionally been dated to “a long, long time ago” with a tentative starting date of 1775. They comprise the thoughts of the mystic Donald, who, by his own account, has been a great influence on America throughout the ages. It goes like this:

“The year was long, long ago. Long ago. I cannot stress that too clearly. It was a long time ago. A big time. Its bigliness can hardly be exaggerated.

“Anyway, we Americans had become really fed up with Europe. Yeah, they claimed to have discovered us but the native Americans had discovered us long before them and the cowboys killed most of them, their guns being bigger than the natives’ bows and arrows so America is legitimately ours.

“But the Europeans, especially the British who saw us as some sort of colony, or even 13 colonies, continued acting as though they owned us, so I told them we were leaving their economic union.

“We’re big enough to trade on our own and if we had a nice soft border with Canada we could sell things to them too in exchange for Eskimos or polar bears or something and trade with the Incas and Aztecs and Peruviacs, all of whom are nearer than Britain. So George Washington and I voted for Brexit, an exit from Britain.

“Now don’t get me wrong, I love Britain. King George III is a personal friend even if he does go a bit doolally from time to time. Running a country is a big job, and trust me, I know what it’s like. Going mad sometimes is an occupational hazard. And I specially love Scottiland, especially the wall they built to keep the English out.

In fact, I’ve pledged to copy them by building a wall across the Atlantic. It’ll be a sort of suspension wall, between the Azores and Iceland, suspended between two huge towers in those places. It’ll be bigger than the Chinese wall. A big wall. The mother of all walls.

“Anyway, I told my Brexit plans to the British and they threw a party in my honour in Boston. But would you believe it, all the caterers brought for the party was few crates of tea. Now I know the British love tea but what sort of party was that? A tea party? What do they thing we are?

“Well I was really amazed. Amazed and incensed. More incensed than amazed, in fact. And I threw all their tea in the harbour and ordered some crates of bourbon and some burgers and we had a real party.

“Of course, the subsequent trade negotiations with Britain (or War of Independence as fake newsmongers called it) took time to get sorted and we’re still thinking about how to lay foundations for the Great Atlantic Wall.

“But I expect that eventually the British will get fed up with the other Europeans and they’ll see the light and throw in their lot with us, when we won’t need to build a wall at all and America will be great again. Thank you for voting for me.”