100 YEARS OLD AND STILL TROUBLED BY SLOTHS...

THANK you for attempting to access the Beachcomber column but we are afraid the old fellow has wandered off again. Yesterday morning he had a hospital appointment for a check-up and he hasn’t been seen since. We sent out a search party, of course, but they have failed to locate him. What they have found, however, is the consultant’s report which we think explains what has happened. Here it is in full:

“It was a pleasure meeting Mr Beachcomber, a gentleman aged 100, fit and agile in both mind and body but with an understandable tendency to ramble inconsequentially.

“He has reacted well to hormone treatment and radiation for a prostate condition which have cured the problem and caused only minor side effects. I told him that he could well look forward to another 16 years of active life.

“He was generally benign and relaxed throughout the consultation but did become agitated at one moment when he asked about a possible diagnosis of Hormone-Related Sloth Crocheting Syndrome which he believes may have affected him.

“The literature contains no reference to HRSCS, but when he produced an elegantly crocheted sloth from his bag which he produced during the hormone treatment, we could not discount the possibility that his crocheting had been affected by the hormonal boost, particularly when he insisted that he had never before touched a crochet hook nor experienced any desire to.

“He then announced his intention to crochet another sloth when the hormonal effects have thoroughly worn off in order to compare the two and assess any differences between hormone-related sloth crocheting and testosterone-fuelled sloth crocheting.

He was, however, concerned about the methodology as he felt the second sloth would probably benefit from the crocheting experience the first had given. He sought advice on that topic.

“Seeing his obvious concern at the matter, I advised that the best thing to do may be to crochet a sloth every six months so that the practice benefits would gradually be minimised as the hormone-related crocheting effect wore off and the figures could be adjusted by a properly calculated timebased experiential factor to enable a pure comparison between hormonal and post-hormonal sloth crocheting.

“It is to be regretted that Mr Beachcomber did not crochet a sloth before the hormone treatment had begun which would have enabled a valid comparison to be made without this complication.

“The patient seemed very grateful for this advice and was, if anything, smiling even more broadly as he left. Shortly after, however, a nurse came in and reported a change in mood. “Who was that strange old fellow?” she asked. “He was mumbling ‘16 more years; a sloth every six months; that’s 32 sloths. Wherever shall I keep them all?’, or something like that.”

It’s very worrying issue, but we are sure Beachcomber can solve it, especially if sloth refuges are available on the NHS.