The hidden victims of domestic abuse
Shockingly, 800,000 children live in households blighted by abuse and coercive control, and now new legislation will finally recognise them as victims...
During Rachel Williams’
18-year marriage to her husband, Darren, her life was strictly controlled. She was banned from wearing short skirts or having long hair, wasn’t allowed out with friends and was expected to keep the house immaculate. If she put a foot wrong, she’d be subjected to a volley of verbal abuse.
While Rachel tried to shield her youngest son, Jack, from the daily abuse, he found it too much to cope with. Tragically at just 16-years-old, he took his own life.
Rachel, 49, who lives in
South Wales, says, “Jack was bright and strong-minded, but it all became too much for him. He saw and experienced so much.
“I miss him every second, and I’m talking about what happened in the hope that
I can save another mother from losing her child.”
CHANGES
By the time they start school, at least one child in every class will have been living with domestic abuse since they were born – for 72 per cent of cases, the perpetrator is their father.
In recent years, there have been important changes in the laws regarding domestic abuse.
In 2015, a new offence of coercive control was recognised, which is when a person behaves in a way which makes you feel controlled, dependent, isolated or scared. Examples include controlling finances, isolating from friends and family and name calling.
But children were not officially recognised as victims until April this year, when a new amendment to the Domestic Abuse Bill came into force. Now, a child who sees or hears, or experiences the effects of, domestic abuse is also regarded as a victim.
Alison Smith, who runs Mayday Domestic Violence Services, told Closer, “Children are the hidden victims, and the toll domestic abuse takes on them can often cause posttraumatic stress disorder, mental health problems or addiction.
“Often, children don’t speak out as they’re too fearful or they might have been threatened – for example, the perpetrator may have told them that if they confide in anyone about what’s going on at home, then they won’t see their protective parent again.
“Abused children are, like the parental victim, often isolated, they rarely have play dates or otherwise won’t have friends round due to the ongoing tensions in their home. Later on in life, they might find it difficult to form healthy relationships and most will need therapeutic support.”
ISOLATED
Rachel Williams met her abusive ex Darren, then 26, in 1993. She says, “I was 21, and a single mum to twoyear-old Josh. Darren was a lorry driver and seemed like a gentle giant.”
It was only two months later, after a party when someone mentioned Rachel’s ex-boyfriend, that she first experienced Darren’s abusive behaviour. She says, “We were walking home and he was getting upset. Then suddenly he pushed me, and I tumbled down the bank into some nettles. It was strange because I couldn’t be sure he’d done it on purpose or not, and he immediately apologised. He’d never been aggressive before so I forgave him. I didn’t know the red flags to look out for.”
Eight months after they met, the pair moved in together, and Rachel fell pregnant with Jack. But when Rachel was seven months pregnant, during an argument, Darren lifted her off the floor by her throat.
From that day on, the abuse never stopped. She says, “He was violent – I’ve been strangled and had clumps of my hair pulled out – but the controlling behaviour was just as tough to deal with.
“I was told what to wear, and how to style my hair. I was a hairdresser and he forbid me from cutting men’s hair – he’d often come to the salon to check up on me.
“I couldn’t go out with friends, and he wanted the house to be spotless. He’d hide crumbs of cereal around the bin as a test. Josh and Jack witnessed it all. He wasn’t abusive towards the boys, but he had very little to do with
them. I know people will wonder why I didn’t leave, but I was a shell of the person I once was. I was isolated from friends and family and terrified that Darren would try to hurt me or the kids if I left.”
But finally, in July 2011, after Darren tried to strangle her, Rachel found the courage to file for divorce, and he was arrested for assault.
But on 19 August 2011, Darren turned up at the hair salon where Rachel worked. She says, “He walked through the door, armed with a shotgun. I tried to grapple the gun off him, but I was no match for him.”
I WANT SOMETHING POSITIVE TO COME FROM JACK’S DEATH
CONFUSED
Darren blasted his wife with a double-barrel shotgun, shattering her leg. He then fled before taking his own life, just hours later.
Rachel was rushed to hospital, where she spent six weeks recovering from injuries, but during this time her youngest son struggled to cope. Rachel says, “Jack was so angry and confused by what had happened. He had been through and seen so much. It was too difficult for a teenage boy to deal with. He couldn’t take it any more.”
Three days after Rachel was discharged from hospital, on 26 September 2011, Jack went missing. His body was found in woodland later that day – he’d taken his own life. Rachel says, “I should not have buried my son because I left my abuser. I channelled my grief into raising awareness of how domestic violence affects the family.”
Rachel, now happily married to Mike, 52, works with the Freedom Programme, designed to help women learn about domestic abuse, and runs the charity, Stand Up to Domestic Abuse. She says, “I want something positive to come from Jack’s death. I want children to be educated about healthy relationships. I’m doing everything I can so no family has to go through what we did.”
● Visit sutda.org and maydaydvs. co.uk for information. If you’re concerned for yourself, or someone else, call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247