Entanglements, forgiveness and happily ever afters

Does conscious uncoupling, dating in between and staying married in the end actually work? One celebrity couple reminds us that it could.

It’s natural to imagine forever with your spouse. Well, that's until a few years into your marriage when time has taken its toll on what was, once, an easygoing relationship. You wake up one day and feel a deep disconnection to the person lying next to you — à la Tamia's Stranger In My House. Cue the awkward conversation: “I think we need some time apart”, and your partner shares your sentiments. During the split, you’re met with the urge to feel good — except it’s with someone else.

Enter actress Jada Pinkett Smith and musician August Alsina. While she and husband Will Smith were separated, Jada went through what she described as "the desire to want to feel good", which led her to pursue an intimate relationship with August.

Just as we were getting comfortable with the phrase ‘situationships’ in popular culture, Jada and Will invited us in for a Red Table Talk. Needless to say, perceptions about her relations took to screens where they were examined for moral order and principles. Amidtheexcitementweresomepoignantponderings about conscious uncoupling (also known as separation), rules of engagement during that period and forgiveness.

The Smiths were separated when Jada decidedtoexploreherintimateneedswith August, who later fell deeply in love with her. Jada, on the other hand, described what they had as an entanglement — a complicated, dysfunctional, avoidant or replacement relationship, according to dating coach Makabelo Motaung.

“It's one you go to when you need to heal but you avoid that and opt for escapism instead. It could be for the sex, comfort or familiarity,” explains Motaung. In this particular relationship, both of them were going through tough times in their lives.

Take away all the media hype and you see a couple amicably sitting at a table, addressing the masses together. As Jada expressed herself to her husband: “One of the things that I’m deeply grateful for in this whole process, between you and I, is that we have really gotten to that new place of unconditional love.” Theirs was a candid display of a marriage that had initially explored conscious uncoupling to overcome their hurdles, and then chose to stay together in the end.

According to clinical psychologist Dr Olwethu Jwili, conscious uncoupling is an amicable break up with a mutual decision to separate while remaining in each other’s lives. “Both partners co-parent amicably and remain a strong support for each other, just not as a romantic couple."

Motaung says that it is also important that both partners avoid bad-mouthing each other during their separation.

If the next question on your mind, after understanding conscious uncoupling, is whether dating someone else during a separation equals cheating then you’re not alone. There are varied perspectives on this point. Because there are many reasons why couples split, motives and intentions after separation aren't consistent for everyone. “For instance, if you were cheated on, you might be ready to get yourself a new partner,” says Motaung.

While on the other end of the spectrum, if you were not expecting the separation, you might need time to wrap your head around it. There are also instances where people just want a break, and neither are preoccupied with getting another partner. Not intentionally anyway, as you never know who you might meet during that time.

“Many people consider it cheating. However, whether it’s defined as cheating or not is based on people's belief systems, promises made and expectations of the couple involved,” says Jwili. But from her sessions with couples, she’s observed that it’s often more useful for each partner to work on themselves and invest in their own personal development. “Then, subsequently, decide on the direction of their current relationship instead of exploring an additional relationship while still in the complicated process of separation.”

This is not to say that couples who pursue relationships between their separation do not stand a chance to get back together. But, rather, that they should be mindful that having relationships or introducing open relationships with the intention of preventing deception and dishonesty potentiates complications. Casual relationships can quickly become very sticky.

“Feelings such as jealousy may arise and make it difficult to navigate the initial challenges that the couple had set out to resolve. Also, the same issues that lead to the separation of the first relationship can surface in the ‘new’ relationship if the individual has not first dealt with themselves,” Jwili points out.

That said, Jwili believes that the determining factor of whether a relationship survives after some instability in the alliance is based on how much the couple is willing to invest in making things work. “There are many ways to recover a relationship such as seeking couple’s therapy, where the two can explore what needs to be built and how. Patience and open communication are also pivotal at this point,” she says.

Essentially, once a couple has decided to separate, it’s advisable that they take a step back to make sense of it all, then later define the rules of engagement.

“The separation period of a relationship is not actually the end of a romantic relationship. Traditionally, the same principles of an active relationship may still apply. Many couples separate to work on the issues that have arisen in their relationships and that they struggle to solve as a couple as opposed to being with other people,” notes Jwili.

Through couple's counselling, trust issues can be openly explored and the foundation for forgiveness and restoring emotional security can be laid.

She says separation is often a perfect time to work on oneself through honest self-reflection, taking accountability where necessary and openly deciding the direction that the individuals want their relationship to eventually go. “Therapy is a useful space to engage with this process.

During this process, couples can begin to re-establish trust in their relationship through open communication. By detangling things, they can both start to feel safe and secure again.