Ten Things
The year we have just seen off has been one marked by presidential firepools, Oscar Pistorius and hashtag activism. Tymon Smith compiled a list of things he does not want to see in 2016 . . .
PRESIDENT Jacob Zuma doing anything more harmful than catching some rays in his Nkandla firepool. In a year in which opinions about so many things have polarised South Africa, the only thing most people seem to agree on is that it’s time for the president to go. His changing of finance ministers like you might exchange shirts at Woolworths seems to be the last straw for most commentators and analysts, who are predicting a very rocky road ahead for both No 1 and the country this year.
FINANCE Minister Khanyi Mbau. But if David van Rooyen could do it for four days, then why not give it to Mbau? After all, if there’s one thing the socialite has demonstrated, it’s a preternatural ability to benefit her bank balance by managing her assets. As an added bonus, even day traders in Potchefstroom know who she is, if not by name at least by reputation.
OSCAR Pistorius carrying his green bucket into the Constitutional Court. Undeterred by the findings of the Supreme Court of Appeal, the Blade Runner seems convinced that he has a chance at having his murder conviction overturned by the highest court in the land. However, legal experts are sceptical and the sooner he gets back to playing soccer with Radovan Krejcir while taking breaks from studying for his business degree, the better. Many companies are a little squeamish about hiring criminals, but you have to assume that Uncle Arnold’s hiring practices will be able to accommodate his golden boy with his London School of Economics degree.
PARLIAMENT doing the actual business of parliament. With the National Assembly fast becoming the country’s highest-rated reality TV show, it would be terrible if MPs actually started getting things done. However, thanks to Julius Malema and his red berets there’s never a dull moment down at the Big Brother house in Plein Street. Tune in to see whether JZ will finally pay back the money.
#MUSTFALL and petitions. What started off as a show of support for campaigns such as the removal of the statue of Cecil John Rhodes and the protest against university fee increases has now become a meaningless online whinge. It’s not helped by the rush to sign petitions that show how upset you are without forcing you to get up and do something. If there’s one thing the students taught us in 2016, it’s surely that if you want to change something then you have the power to do so, but it’s going to need more than a hashtag to make it happen.
SOUTH Africans behaving like they’re in the queue outside Studio 54 every time a mid-level international franchise opens. From fainting in the Edgars of Europe (H&M) to queueing like Star Wars fanatics for a chance to buy boxes of glorified vetkoek (Krispy Kreme), we really have no shame when it comes to our desperation to sample anything that’s “from overseas”. At this rate there will be longer lines outside the first Starbucks than there will be for municipal elections. Talk about priorities.
THE Springboks losing to Finland. They’ve never made a World Cup but the Finns are officially the worst rugby team in the world. After our defeat to Japan we can still set the bar lower by aiming for defeat at the hands of the country best known for its strange language and love of reindeer meat. Perhaps we can set up a friendly and turn our financial fortunes around by placing large bets against the Boks.
FEWER paintings of No 1’s No 1. With Ayanda Mabulu and Anton Kannemeyer stirring up the outrage of the ANC Women’s League and members of the president’s family this year, it seems there are powerful practical and financial reasons for artists to take up the subject of the genitals of governance. We can only hope that in addition to a legacy of corruption, mismanagement and financial catastrophe, we will also have a large collection of artistically imaginative dick pics by which to remember our laughing president.
DONALD Trump’s coif in the Oval Office. Republican nomination races always have their share of what you might politely call eccentrics, but The Donald has taken the franchise to a new level of insanity. From Muslims to women to his own daughter, no one is safe from Trump’s offensiveness, and while he might provide fodder for the righteous pens of satirists and politics watchers, the idea of him taking over the free world is scarier than a holiday in Syria. With such moderate opponents as the good doctor Ben Carson in the running, the Republicans have made Hilary Clinton look positively messianic.
GUNS. Sorry to be a downer but it’s flabbergasting that in the three years since the Sandy Hook shooting, there have been 1 044 mass shootings in the US in which at least 1 327 people were killed and 3 784 wounded, according to an organisation called Mass Shooting Tracker that uses crowdsourced data. It seems that when it comes to guns, Americans have a stubborn inability to learn anything — except that they really, really need to have continued unchecked access to them. It might be people who kill people, not guns, but it would be a lot harder for them to do so if it wasn’t easier to buy a gun than a loose cigarette.