Coping with realities AFTER the honeymoon is over
A SIGNIFICANT number of couples who come for marital therapy do so in the first year.
Expecting the first year to be a honeymoon phase, the disillusionment that accompanies the reality of marriage can be devastating. We often enter marriage starry-eyed, expecting eternal bliss. However, many end up jolted from dreams of happily-ever-after to face the reality of marriage.
We enter marriage with idealised images of our spouses and what marriage will be like.
The heartbreak, disillusionment and sometimes even grief that follow lead many to contemplate divorce ... even at this early stage.
The transition from the joyful honeymoon phase to the reality of marriage is a natural one.
We often only truly get to know each other after marriage, when we spend more time together in a more ‘natural’ environment.
During courtship, we put our best foot forward, often projecting the best versions of ourselves. And with the excitement that accompanies courtship, it is difficult to look past the idealised image of our partners and see them for what they really are ... with qualities we admire and those we dislike.
Once married, many even stop putting in the effort they did during courtship to ensure that the romantic feelings prevailed. Marriage is a huge adjustment that affects husband and wife. The honeymoon does end ... and with this end comes gloom and disappointment. Many mourn the loss of hope of a blissful married life.
In contrast to what many expect to be the happiest year, the first year is often the most challenging!
Little things about our partners begin to annoy us. The differences become glaringly obvious. However, the phase that follows needn’t necessarily be a huge disappointment.
Nothing in life lasts forever ... and so too, the honeymoon must end – to give way to a more mature relationship where we can work together as a team towards common goals.
The biggest problem arises when we expect the honeymoon to last and continuously mourn the loss of this phase, or cannot get over the fact that the person we married does not match the idealised image of them we held in our minds.
Actually, the test of true love and commitment takes place only when the honeymoon is over. This is when we need to face the daily grind, negotiate household responsibilities, decide on how to divide our time and manage in-law dilemmas, while still trying to be a lovable spouse.
Basically, we settle into ‘real life’ and have to manage real life problems. You may discover that he snores. Or that it takes her an hour to get dressed in the mornings.
Living Marriage means we get to see a side of our partner we’ve never had the opportunity to see before. Even if the disappointment is inevitable, refuse to allow it to impact on all aspects of your life (unless of course, there are serious problems such as domestic violence).
If we focus more on what we can do to make the marriage happier than on harping on our partner’s faults, the end result will be a win-win situation.
So what can you do to successfully navigate this transition? Start by remembering what it was you did differently when you were courting ... and do more of that.
Don’t stop dating each other. Put in the same amount of effort you did when trying to impress your partner. Do more of what your partner likes (as long as it doesn’t make you unhappy).
Remember how much you communicated when dating? Long telephone conversations and text messages? Why stop now that you’re married?
Little gestures go a long way. Whether it’s making her a cup of tea after a long day or telling him how much you appreciate him helping with the dishes will naturally draw your spouse closer and elicit positive emotions.
Do fun things as a couple. As much as time together is important, time apart, participating in other activities (perhaps sport or other hobbies), is also vital.
Ask yourself what you’re grateful for. Once you realise what the strengths are, capitalise on them so they can strengthen the bond.