Through the eyes of a widow
“Before becoming a widow, I always thought when you are married, the journey starts when you say ‘I do’ and ends at death. My experiences taught me otherwise: The minute you make an agreement in a form of a vow, it binds you as long as you live. I came to realise that marriage is an agreement that has a lasting effect that goes beyond death.”
Widowed in her early 30s, Makhanda Social Work Practitioner Nomonde Precious Stamper has recorded her experience in
The lasting effect of the words, ‘I do’, through the lens of a widow’. Published this year, it takes readers through the ups and downs of being a widow, tackling topics often told in hushed tones. In a richly descriptive, and engaging narrative manner, Nomonde ropes you into in the journey of The Stampers, in their colourful life as bikers and how it changed when her loving husband, Ndileka Stamper, died in a motorbike accident.
It takes you through Nomonde’s journey as she comes to terms with the loss, squabbles that ensues with the in-laws, judgements from society, trials at work, issues around the handling of the estate, myths and facts about widows, the grieving process and grappling with finding love and, ultimately, healing and moving on. The book covers life before marriage, marital life, grief, cultural aspects and the lasting effects of the vows we make.
Central to the book is the message simple and clear: The death of a spouse alone is painful enough without society adding more salt to the wound by imposing stereotypical thinking, myths, high moral standards and unrealistic expectations for widows.
Death remains death, but grieving is personal and unique: throughout the book, Stamper appeals to society to be more understanding and less judgmental.
This book is written from a widow’s perspective, but it can be an eye-opener for any person working with people - managers, families, married couples, especially young couples, single, divorced, people who have lost their loved ones, those who are grieving, spiritual counsellors as well as helping professionals.
Here’s what Stamper says about opening up:
“When we open up about our experiences it is not to humiliate ourselves but heal. If we don’t, we rob ourselves and others the gift of healing that is within us. It is through the stories we tell that people can be healed.
“It is for this reason I am ready to tell mine. For one to be healed they need to understand and acknowledge that there’s a problem. If you are still grieving the loss of a loved one, it does help reading books and magazines that are talking to your problem. The key to ‘healing’ is learning and taking an initiative. It is from other’s stories that we learn ‘we are not alone’. The experiences of others will give meaning to your own situations.”
Stamper speaks about reading a Move magazine article on how Lucas Radebe and his two kids dealt with grief after the passing of his wife, Fezi.
“I was inspired by how they were processing grief as a family and could relate because how his children grieved was like my kids’ way of grieving.
“It was from his story that I learned that grieving children become so selfish and clingy about the memories of their deceased parent. Each child wanted to own the memories to her/himself, reminded of mine who were becoming angry when they saw someone posting their father’s picture in loving memory of him. They wanted to be the only ones doing that.
“Today I understand people who are grieving do want that space at some point in time of not wanting to share the grief. Another thing that inspired me from Lucas’s grief was the way he was hands-on with his children, including the girl child.
“He was taking them to school and his pockets would have hair bands to tie her daughter’s hair. That was what gave me the courage to attend the father’s day event at my son’s school.”
Above all, advises Stamper, seek professional help, talk to someone who will not judge you and who will just give you an ear.
“It does help to seek a therapist of your ethnic background who will understand your world,” Stamper says.
PROFESSIONAL PROFILE
Professionally, Nomonde has worked as a social worker for the Department of Correctional Services for 19 years and later resigned in 2018 to pursue rendering her social work services in her private practice. At the time of writing this book, she is running two offices in Makhanda and in
East London. She is a registered social work practitioner (SACSSP & BHF) with 21 years of experience as a social worker. She is the Director and Founder of Eyam Consultancy Pty (Ltd), Motivational Speaker, Life coach, Marriage Counsellor, Expert Advice for Media24, Move & Drum Magazine and on Help-a-sista page, She plays an advocacy role in matters concerning sexually violated minors at the High Court. She is also running a programme for minor victims and minor witnesses of sexual offences called
Lil Voices, started in Duncan Village, East London.
Other than her official employment and private practice, she has also worked as a Part-time Social Work Lecturer at the University of Fort hare. Nomonde is also a former Board member of FAMSA Grahamstown and Makana Rape Survivor and Support Group Committee.
She also giving support and counselling to young widows and does EAP programmes. Her passion for what she does has seen her training social workers in RSA as well as social work students from Stockholm / Sweden.
Contact Nomonde Stamper at nomondestamper@gmail.com