Busy moms need to plan, establish routines and boundaries and look after themselves
IF PEOPLE ask me what I do, I’m reluctant to say that I am a remedial therapist since a huge part of my life includes parenting. I therefore could answer: full-time mother and part-time therapist. In life we are all striving for the “happy medium” or the correct balance. Every scenario has its pros and its cons but it is how we balance them that are key.
A full-time mother desperately seeks the outlet of work or to be surrounded by professionalism, adult faces and intellectual conversation. A full-time mother’s idea of a holiday is having a bath or a toilet break without an entourage of ankle biters making demands and asking to see what is inside the toilet bowl.
A full-time mother’s idea of the best birthday present is sleep in order to recharge her batteries, flowers to feel appreciated and a supportive adult to once in a while to say “I know it is hard, we are all fighting the same battles and you are doing a great job”.
A full-time working mom on the other hand often has the guilt of never seeing her offspring, as well as the regrets of not witnessing his or her milestones. Her child’s first smile, first word, first step, first tooth, first ride without fairy wheels, all the firsts that can never be repeated.
A full-time working mother often seeks time with other mothers away from the working environment to share stories which don’t include shop and empty conversations with other women who are at different stages of their lives.
Just as a woman with curls wishes her hair was straight, one who is short wishes she was tall, the brunette wishes she was blonde and the South African wishes she was abroad, so does the fulltime mom wish she were at work and the full-time working mom wish she were at home.
In every scenario the grass is greener on the other side. We are the masters of our own destiny so it’s not about sitting, waiting and wanting but making it happen and, by doing so, creating balance and harmony.
We have the capacity to survive and even enjoy our lives if boundaries are in place and balance created.
Here’s how:
Diarise
If you diarise everything you are able to visually plan your days.
Give yourself enough time in between your appointments for any unplanned delays, which will create further stress.
Limit play dates for Fridays and Saturdays Extra murals only twice weekly Family time on Sundays
Priority lists
Do the have-tos and leave the want-tos for later.
Don’t overcommit. My husband and I are suckers for overcommitting and kill ourselves pleasing people in the process. I have come to realise that it creates stress; the people who matter suffer and all you get from it in the end is burn-out.
Routine
In the beginning I tried to have a flexible routine for my kids in order to work, allow my husband to work late, travel and be a mom. It had its pros but as time goes on I have noticed how structure is extremely important and as they get older they seem to crave it more. It too becomes more difficult to establish structure later, so the earlier the better. It has to have an element of flexibility as rigidity creates anxiety if something has to be changed. Malleable routine is healthy. It creates a sense of security too for ourselves and those around us.
Setting boundaries
Boundaries create order. Order creates the ability to know what to expect.
Knowing what to expect creates security.
A boundary is a balance between being too lenient and too assertive.
This does not only apply to your children but to the circle in which you socialise. If you allow yourself to be walked on and give too much of yourself you will enter a zone of abuse and eventually resentment. If you are too assertive, you will be misconstrued as being rude.
Limit choices
Choices are good but too many choices are bad. You need to remain the boss in order to get respect. Limited choice is good for the child to feel that nothing is forced. Here you can manipulate the situation to suit your purpose: for example, “Cornflakes or Weet-Bix?” If you had asked them an open-ended question like “What do you want for breakfast?” this could end in a power struggle.
Alone time
You need it. This should not be a want but a need.
It is vital to have space.
Make your body your temple
Eat right. Sleep right. Exercise right.
I know the theory and yet still in my line of work, my social circles and my home life I often battle to apply it. Let us take advice from Albert Einstein: “Life is like a bicycle, balance is only created if you keep on riding.”
Step with care and great tact, and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act
Lee Koetser is a qualified remedial therapist with more than 10 years’ experience. She specialises in identifying problem areas and then puts programmes together to build learning bridges for pupils.