A mother learns from her kids how to play

The writer carves out time to be more present and engaged with her daughter, even saying yes to activities she would normally baulk at

“Mama, you’re not very good at playing,” said my eight-year-old daughter recently.

“What do you mean, we do crafts together, we bake together,” I answered somewhat defensively.

“But that’s different,” she replied.

Even though I was indignant at her accusation, I knew what she was getting at.

Playing, to her, is not just engaging in an activity for recreation. She wants to spend quality time with me, and for that, I need to be as engaged in play as her.

Psychiatrist Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute of Play in the United States, describes play as a state of mind that one has when “absorbed in an activity that provides enjoyment and a suspension of sense of time... and you want to do it again and again”.

But as a full-time working mum with no helper, I don’t always have the time or energy to play with her.

And even when I do sit down to play with her, I’m guilty of not being fully present as my mind is always on my to-do list or focused on containing the mess she is making.

Furthermore, what is fun to her may not be fun to me.

She loves to play with water, sand and slime. While I’m happy to set up the area for her, sensory play is not really my thing.

As a result, she has become very good at independent play. She crafts for hours – making things like a mini cardboard ukulele and clay figurines, and sewing felt stuffed toys – without needing my involvement, apart from showing me her progress from time to time.

That, in turn, leaves me with time to work or do my own things.

Sometimes, when she asks me to play with her, I encourage her to read or play by herself instead.

On weekends, I try to catch up on mundane tasks such as cleaning, packing and cooking.

So it is her papa who ends up being her playmate and they have come up with some games that they enjoy. For example, a catapult made of rubber bands to launch at each other “rocks” of balled-up paper.

“Papa is good at playing,” she proclaimed once after a game filled with lots of laughter and gleeful shrieks, and I fully agree with her.

The benefits of play for kids is a well-researched topic. There are studies that show the importance of play to the physical, cognitive, social and emotional development of a child.

But there are even more benefits to be had when parents play with their child.

Playing together fosters strong bonds, which become the foundation of a good relationship and can help reinforce family values.

When parents make an effort to be playful, or to play with their child, connection and laughter can deepen the parent-child relationship.

It also helps parents to understand their child better and, in the long run, nurtures a confident, secure teen.

Playing together benefits the parent as well – oxytocin, or the happy hormone, is released when parents engage in affectionate play with their child.

So, after my daughter’s “feedback”, I’m trying to be a more fun mum, carving out time to be more present and engaged, and not just do mundane mothering tasks.

I have discovered some things that are fun for both of us. It required a mindset change from me, to say yes to activities I would normally baulk at.

We recently made pasta from scratch, without any specialised equipment.

We have watched videos of pasta dough-making and my daughter had said she wanted to try it out. But when I imagined the mess from the flour that I would have to clean up, I shuddered. Furthermore, we did not have the required equipment, I reasoned.

One Sunday, when we were home-bound because she was recovering from a bug, I suggested we bake with a recipe we had never tried before.

“What about making pasta,” she asked hopefully. “Okay,” I said, deciding to go for it.

“Really?” she asked, as her eyes lit up in disbelief.

I prepared the ingredients and she did most of the mixing, rolling and cutting as I sat with her and talked to her through the three-hour process. We discussed and experimented with different ways to mix the ingredients.

The new experience, one she had been wanting to try, was exciting for her. Making something we had never tried before was fun for me, too.

We laughed when the eggs “erupted” from the flour mountain and flowed all over. I was glad I suggested she make the dough on a baking tray instead of on the counter like what we saw in the videos.

She said she loved how pliable the dough became after resting, and had fun kneading then cutting the rolled dough into strips.

It was a fruitful afternoon and we had her slightly chewy homemade fettuccine with chicken stew for dinner.

Another game we have been playing is Connect 4, where players take turns dropping tokens into a vertical grid to form a line of four tokens.

This is a game I am fully invested in and thoroughly enjoy.

We played countless rounds and Dr Brown’s description of being “absorbed in an activity that provides enjoyment and a suspension of sense of time... and you want to do it again and again” came to mind when I reflected on it.

If there was any downside to the game, it was that I played to win and left her pouting when she lost.

But during the times when she bested me, she knew it was a genuine win and not because I gave in to her.

Playing comes naturally for some mums, but for others like myself, it may take some learning.

Who better to teach us than the masters of play themselves – our kids.

Play will look different for every child, so part of it is also figuring out what makes the child tick and what are the moments that bring the most satisfaction to parent and child.

To mums who may not naturally know how to play with kids, it may sound like a tall order. We not only have to nurture them, discipline them and cook for them, but should also know how to play with them.

But from the pasta-making experience, I realised that a simple activity, where I gave her my full attention, was satisfying for both of us.

Hopefully, the desire to play with us will remain even as my kids grow older.

During a recent short trip away, my teenagers, aged 15 and 18, asked to play their childhood game of Monopoly Deal every night.

That, thankfully, is something that I still remember how to play quite well, though maybe my teens will beg to differ.