Proper closure

Dear Dr. Dana,

My marriage to a man I once loved was a total failure. For years I exerted so much effort to save it. I failed. It seemed I could not make it alone. I had a husband who was irresponsible and had uncontrollable vices: a womanizer, a gambler and an alcoholic. So I left him, taking with me our two children.

After four years of being alone I found myself attracted to a man. This man is also separated from his wife and has two kids. After two months of being together, he sort of faded away when I didn’t give to his physical advances. His absence, however, has made me realize that I think I love him.

I think I miss him more than the way I missed my husband when I left him. Could this be love, real love now?

Lenie

Dear Lenie,

I’m glad you had the good sense to resist his advances. Maybe all he needed was an outlet for his physical longings for you. Try to be objective. This new relationship is doomed from the start because you are still married to your husband, even if you’ve left him already. And this guy is only separated from his wife and children. Assuming that he comes back and renews his vow of love for you, what is the most that you can expect from this relationship?

Lenie, before embarking on another chapter in

your life, have you considered tying up the loose ends of the previous one—that of the father of your children. I fully agree that you deserve another chance at love but first cleanly cut the matters with your husband. Once and for all settle this matter first before you move on. If reconcilement is no longer an option, then get an annulment, both state and church, if applicable. How do your children view the arrangement you presently maintain with their father? Remember that in a broken, or even a dissolved marriage, the children have as much to lose—if not more than the husband and wife. It is said that it takes two to make a marriage but it takes only one to break it.

You know, while I read your letter, it dawned on me that it seemed your spouse was the one and only culprit for the break-up of your marriage. What was your role in it? It might be a sound idea to ponder on these things.

Doing so will enrich you enough to assure yourself that love is truly sweeter the second time around.

You should spend more time with your children. Go out of town with them during vacations, it doesn’t have to be those fancy and expensive places.

Choose some place where you can do things together so that you can bond for longer periods of time. And pray together so that God could be the center of all things. Very truly yours, Dr. Dana R. Sesante