THE ANATOMY OF A SELFIE ADDICT
We all know what Selfie Addicts are— those seemingly elusive creatures that, well, aren’t exactly mysterious because we all know what’s going on with their lives. From waking up to bedtime, from eating to pooping, Selfie Addicts make it a point to make this world juuuuust a wee bit better by plastering their faces online for our enjoyment, one perfectly-choreographed self-portrait at a time. But what exactly are the traits that transform a mere mortal into a Selfie Addict? Let’s find out!
1. Hair
A lot of selfies are taken for the primary purpose of showing off a new haircut/hair color/hairstyle/hat/ hairac-cessory/hhhwhatever. Got a new haircut? Selfie! Wearing a really crazy hat that’s oh-so-cute-andoh-so-funny-and-OMG-I’m-gonna-make-funny-poseswith-it-and-post-it-on-FB-LOL? Selfie! Accidentally colored your hair wrong? Selfie-with-matching-luoyface! Take note, however: True “hair selfies” never look like you’re really showing off your hair. A true hair selfie will have a full body shot for the sole purpose of flaunting a new ‘do. A true hair selfie will have 99% face and 1% new hat. A true hair selfie will have you smiling mischievously for the camera and saying, “Oh, this old perm? I just look so good tee-hee!”
2. Eyes
The mark of a true Selfie Addict is expressive—and very “rollable” eyes known as “Selfie Addict Eyes.” Only a Selfie Addict’s skillful and trained eye muscles can look one way while the entire head is facing the other. How else do you think Selfie Addicts take such great candid shots?
There is a legendary book called “Ye Olde Tome of Selfie Addicte Choreografy” that lists down the many ways a Selfie Addict can look at the camera, some of which are: • “Skye Eyes.” Looking up at the camera while the face is pointing downwards. May cause nausea if done for long periods of time. See also “Side Eyes.”
•“Ye Olde Squinty Eyes.” Narrowing the eyes in an oh
so- seductive way. Doing this wrong can make you look like you just took a spoonful of Datu Puti.
•“Caendid Eyes.” Averting the eyes away from the camera to look like a stolen shot. Accidentally including your camera-holding arm in the picture can be embarrassing.
•“Ye Snooze Eyes.” Pretending to sleep. Please, for the
love of Mark Zuckerberg, just stop.
3. Nose
Seriously, if you can do something with your nose other than make your nostrils look bigger, I salute you. You are a Master Selfie Addict.
4. Mouth (Smile)
Another trait that stands out among Selfie Addicts is their mouth. Does it show some teeth? Does it stick out the tongue in an effort to look cute? Does it form a slight, puckering movement reminiscent of a web-footed, water-based fowl? True Selfie Addicts know that their smile (or lack of it) can change the mood of a selfie from happy to sad, from angry to nonchalant, from “kiss me, I’m hot!” to “Bleh! I’m so adorable!” By looking at their smiles, one can decipher a Selfie Addict’s personality. A mysterious, Mona Lisa-like smile tells of an introvert who happens to enjoy self-portraiture. An open-mouthed laugh shows you need some psychiatric help for laughing at nothing in particular. Of note is the smile that looks virtually the same in every single selfie. This means the Selfie Addict has had A LOT of practice. Expect more selfies from him/her. Hide this person from your News Feed.
5. Arms
The arm is the backbone of Selfie Addiction. Selfies would literally not exist if people hadn’t realized they could take pictures of themselves at arm’s length. See, Selfie Addict Arms work in conjunction with Selfie Addict Eyes, and this is evident in the Selfie Addict’s motto: “Ubi in brachium est, ubi oculus est” (Where the arm is, the eye is). Raise the camera above your head and you can do “Skye Eyes!” Hold the camera to the side and you can perform “Caendid Eyes!” Prop the camera on your lap and you can Instagram your nostrils! Use your free hand to do a peace sign! Everyone on FB’s gonna love that!
Lastly, while technically not traits, a Selfie Addict can never do without a good photo editor (preferably with vintage filters and collage capabilities) and very supportive friends. Remember, you’re not a True Selfie Addict unless you’ve taken a vintage selfie, compiled a hundred or so of these selfies in one giant collage, and garnered the approving “Likes” of your friends on FB. A True Selfie Addict lives for the “Friend X and 186 other people like your photo” notification.
Is it really only about the “Likes,” you ask? C’mon. No one really posts selfies to get comments. Even I don’t.