PRESIDENT BUHARI : Daddy oyoyo!!!
Those days, when my dad came back from his usually long days out of the house, my only sister, Gloria, who is today one of the most beautiful women in this country; Kai, you should see her light skin and gait. She is so fine that….wait, this article is not about my sister abeg but let me just mention before I leave her, she has a tooth-gap smile and her eyes are the most bewitching. You should see her when she has finished for church; she usually looks like a sweet Akwa Ibom goddess. My sister is beautiful o, but wait let me finish my talk abeg. So as my dad would blare the horn of his Peugeot 504 car, my sister would run out with all sorts of stories of things that happened in my dad’s absence. She would just be singing like a canary. I used to feel like taping her mouth and locking her up in the wardrobe where my mum used to keep her shoes. I used to be the main victim of those reports: “Daddy, Joe took meat from the pot, “daddy joe jumped the fence to go talk to the neighbour’s housemaid,” daddy Joe gave the neighbour’s housemaid a tin of milk.” I used to wish we could sell her to the itinerant mallams who came to exchange old cloths for those plastic coolers that my mother used to love so much. But today as the ever-popular President returns or how do you explain the horde of Nigerians who lined the streets to welcome him back? I suddenly feel like my sister all over again. I feel like running out of my Shomolu castle to daddy to report all that had been happening while he was away. Although I am very sure that Uncle Lai would have beaten me to it but I will still do my own after all, amebo
no be monopolistic endeavour. It is a free entry and free exit business.
My dear daddy, in your absence, a lot happened o. Your brilliant deputy grew grey hair o. I am sure when you first saw him you must have been shocked at the way he has aged. But do you blame him with all the wahala that comes with running this our country? The man try. Hope you brought a box of chocolate for him? While you were away, CharlyBoy, (remember that lip-stick wearing and skull-loving former musician?) went everywhere fainting in his bid to get you back. Well, he was chased away from the Wuse market, thanks to the traders. I think you should pay a thank-you visit to the market to appreciate the traders who stood by you. Forget that the whole thing took an ethnic colouration, the truth is that Charly Boy was thrown out of the place. Nnamdi Kanu kept on his struggle despite bail conditions but it is looking like his mission is becoming funny, today he will ban Anambra elections, tomorrow he will unban it. I think you should just ignore him. Fayose was alleged to have threatened to commit suicide if you came back. He has now denied saying that, but no problem, please draw him close to you. He is your son. Pay him a visit in Ekiti and take an Okada ride round the city so that you can better understand him. He means well, I tell you.
Sir, now that you are back, I think you should not stress yourself too much o. Let Osinbajo continue abeg, so you can rest o. Life is more than all this Nigerian wahala. The wahala did not start today and you cannot end it within your tenure. Please do not forget to take your drugs regularly, do morning jogs. You can jog from Aso Rock to the Airport and back; drink a lot of water. Do not read Saharareporters so as not to stress yourself, avoid the National Assembly, those ones are another kettle of fish. Visit Obudu Cattle Ranch and spend 30 days there, the temperate climate there will further aid your continuous healing. Listen to a lot of Nigerian music to further soothe your soul. The music you listen to must reflect national character as all the geo-political zones of the nation must be reflected in your choice of music. But if I was to advise you, do a lot of Timi Dakolo and avoid Olamide’s latest video, the smoke in that video is too much and will not assist you as you recover. Also try not to listen to Davido’s especially that one the boy was boasting about N30b in his account. I swear knowing syou very well as you finish listening na Magu you go first call.
My lord welcome back, I personally remain enamoured with your continued popularity despite the suffering we have faced during your time and the seeming inability of your government to tackle some of these issues especially the economy, joblessness, despair and poverty. Boko Haram attacks are increasing and the militants in the Niger Delta are warming up for another round of violence. The war against corruption is looking like it is derailing. Despite all these, you still remain quite popular if you consider the way Nigerians of all walks of life have reacted to your return. The contradiction is amazing. So I would like to seriously challenge you to ride on this new-found wave of popularity to make things happen for us. Suffer dey this country o. Anyway, welcome back and I wish you well sir.