LEGAL HUMOUR

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Conners you are hereby fined £100". The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however, my client only has £75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

Two lawyers met at a cocktail party. "How's business?" asked the first. "Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper."

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened. He said that he had new evidence that made a huge difference in his defence. "What new evidence could you have?" asked the judge. The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $50,000, and I just found out about it."

Some American Academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli General, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly. The General told them, "We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was made up entirely of lawyers and accountants. When the time came to charge - boy, did they ever know how to charge!"

A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?

An indigent client who had been injured in an accident, went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency. When the client asked what "contingency" was, the lawyer replied, "If I don't win your lawsuit, I don't get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don't get anything."

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money, there has been only one answer to that question".

Having just had judgement entered against him, Mr. Walters was upset to be handed his lawyer's bill. "It says here that I have to pay you $10,000 now and $900 a month for the next five years! It's like I was buying a top-of-the-line Mercedes!" The lawyer smiled and replied, "You are".

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them