A CHAT WITH... JO ROBERTSON

Asex and relationship therapist who’s undertaken vast research into the porn industry, Jo Robertson says violent sexual content is worryingly accessible for our kids. Alongside colleague Holly Brooker, Robertson has spent the past year working on the Make Sense campaign advocating for stronger filtering of illegal online content. In April they delivered a 10,500 strong petition to Parliament calling for child protection from illegal sexual abuse online content.

Vocally passionate about children and teens growing up with healthy messaging about sex and relationships, it’s fitting that her mum encouraged Robertson to study for her masters in sexual health and psychosexual therapy.

Auckland-based Robertson thinks the things we try and keep to ourselves are harming us, and potentially others.

“There’s a lot of things [people] hold back and there’s a lot of pain and hurt in people’s lives that they don’t ever share –and I find sex to be one of those… I really find it a privilege to sit in that space with people.”

From tomorrow, Robertson will sit alongside relationship and dating guru John Aiken, appearing as one of the experts on Married At First Sight New Zealand.

She tells Tyson Beckett why it’s never too early to ask the big questions, and what her family taught her about relationships.

What made you want to work in sexual health and psychosexual therapy?

I had done about seven years of sex education in schools. Alongside that, I’d been working with kids and teenagers, mostly around sexual trauma. I figured out people don’t really have a lot of good quality, healthy information about sex and that the adults in their lives definitely aren’t talking to them. I really started to wonder, where did they get their ideas and information about sex? And how did that end up in this really traumatic, quite painful place for children and young people?

I developed a passion for working with couples and adults because I could see how if they had really great sexual relationships and really good communication skills, they would pass that on to their kids.

What sort of messaging did you grow up around, in terms of relationships and sex?

From my family at least… it was very much sex is a really healthy thing, this is really positive and it can bring a lot of joy to your life.

They were never afraid of questions, which meant I got a lot of information growing up and I could make really informed and healthy choices. I think what happens with our teenagers or children is that they don’t feel comfortable or don’t know they can go to their parents, or when they do, they get kind of told off or shut down and then they go seeking it online.

[Online] they get a lot of negative messages about sex, which is really about power, it’s about control, it’s often non consensual. We could shift that if we reduce some of the sexual content they see online, but also introduce or improve the quality of conversations they have with adults.

You advocate open discussions early, but if you haven’t done that, how can you change how you communicate?

Potentially it’s about getting comfortable with the topic yourself. Learning about the issues yourself first, maybe talking with friends or with a partner. Sometimes it’s about getting comfortable using the words.

I encourage parents to say the word vulva instead of vagina or front bum or something. Actually say it aloud multiple times just for themselves, because it’s so uncomfortable and it feels quite icky for a lot of people.

Then there’s de-catastrophising it. We often think when you need to have a conversation it’s going to have to be really big and long. Actually no, they’ll forget 90% of what you say. You’re better to just say a couple of sentences. Ask one question, get one answer and then give one thought and then leave it for a couple of weeks and circle back.

That seems like advice that can be used not just for conversations with a child. Sometimes when we start a new relationship we hold back from talking about things and then it gets too late...

I was really intentional with my husband. I had about 20 things that I wanted to talk to him about before things got serious. I was kind of quite an intense young adult, I would often just throw a question out whether it was about politics or sex or how we wanted to raise kids or where we wanted to live in the future. I was just asking one question, getting one answer. We feel afraid because we think conflict is bad and wrong, and if we disagree, that means something terrible. We think that it’s going to lead to rejection or pain, which is not the case at all.

Hard pivot, but I’m really intrigued – what drew you to being on MAFS NZ?

It sounded really fun and really enjoyable and slightly lighter, which it was – I really loved the process.

I did feel torn about whether to do it and unsure about whether it was the right path for me. I talked to a counselling supervisor about it and she said the only way people can access you is if they’ve got the money, and this is a platform you can use – whether it’s communication skills, conflict management or talking about sex – and you can do that to the masses. It felt really appealing to me to be able to reach out through the TV, into people’s lounges and be able to give some advice, some strategies to help them.

There are criticisms that the relationships on MAFS aren’t the healthiest. Did that factor into your thinking at all?

Absolutely. I asked so many questions and talked to various producers and really wanted to get a sense of what their goals were: How they were going to treat the participants, what the kind of ethical framework was for the show? I literally can’t do anything that goes against my ethics, otherwise I could lose my job.

I felt really strongly that their approach to the participants, but also to the show in general, was really authentic and held integrity. I can’t speak to what it looks like in other countries, but I know the conversations I had led me to have confidence.

“People don’t have a lot of good quality, healthy information about sex and the adults in their lives definitely aren’t talking to them.”

watch MAFS NZ starts tomorrow night on Three.