Leading the news: sexism, SPCA, scarfies
Prime Minister John Key says his ponytail pulling was not a sexist act and that he could have done it to a man. To prove it, young MP Simon Bridges is ordered up to the ninth floor of the Beehive where he has his hair pulled, bottom pinched and breasts ogled to safeguard against future allegations.
A wealthy Wellington cat-lover leaves $400,000 to the SPCA to help the organisation protect kittens. Chief executive Iain Torrance says they haven’t yet planned how they’ll spend the money, but he has asked staff to provide him with Gareth Morgan’s address and the name of an expensive hitman.
TUESDAY
Key says he will pay for legal advice around the so-called ‘‘ponytail-gate’’ with his own money. This is expected to reassure the many New Zealanders who’ve forgotten that he receives his own money in fortnightly instalments from the taxpayer.
Teen entrepreneur Jake Millar sells his website Oompher to government organisation Careers NZ for an undisclosed sum. Oompher is a motivational website designed to inspire people into action, and Careers NZ say they’ll be announcing their plans for the website as soon as somebody can be stuffed.
WEDNESDAY
Thomas Bach, the most powerful man in the Olympic movement, says he believes New Zealand is capable of hosting the Games in the future. He says Cambridge would be an ideal venue for the cycling, Lake Karapiro for yachting and West Auckland for the one where people in masks try to stab each other.
Hundreds of old moa bones are excavated from a farm south of Taihape. It’s unknown how the moa died, although scientists say one skull shows evidence of a high-velocity collision with something bearing a Skellerup logo.
Star of TV3’s The Bachelor Art Green chooses Matilda over Dani in the final episode of the show. Green spent two months getting to know 21 different women, assessing their personalities, intelligence and compatibility before eventually choosing the prettiest one over the secondprettiest one.
The flag debate continues within the Beehive as the Justice and Electoral Committee hears further submissions. Trevor Mallard and Winston Peters both make impassioned speeches about the current flag, Mallard criticising the dated old relic for only being popular with old people, and then moving on to comment on the flag.
Mobile phone app Yik Yak is banned at Wellington College, with other schools around the city looking to follow suit. The app gives students the ability to post hurtful comments without revealing their identity, something human rights advocates say is totally inhumane outside of its standard use in a 360-degree employee performance appraisal.
Auckland Council votes for residents to pay an extra $2 a week on top of rates hikes to help solve the city’s traffic congestion. The solution beat out other suggestions including road tolls, fuel levies and removing the council department devoted to relentlessly mocking people who use the bus.
Otago Polytechnic says it’s considering implementing drug and alcohol testing on its students. It says it has developed a very sophisticated test, which consists of putting a sofa at the front of the lecture theatre and waiting to see who sets it on fire.
Police catch an Auckland driver with a bandaged mannequin in sunglasses as a passenger trying to make use of the T2 lane at an Auckland motorway on-ramp. It’s the second such incident in less than a week, with The Bachelor winner Matilda discovering she’d fallen in love with three sacks of straw stuffed into a suit.
FRIDAY
An anonymous survey of 102 MPs reveals nearly all had been subjected to unwanted harassment. More than one in 10 had been assaulted, and a similar number had received death threats. The PM asks to speak to anybody who hasn’t yet been harassed or assaulted, demanding they up their work rate and get themselves noticed.
Prince Harry’s final public appearance in Australia is marred by a young woman almost mouthkissing him before he ducks. Authorities say the incident could never happen here and that, if a Kiwi girl tried to pash Harry, he’d have no chance of escape.