‘Nowhere to turn’ for abused man

It wasn’t the first time his wife had hit him, but it pushed Ben* to breaking point.

After being hit on the head, the Marlborough man said he was locked out of his house, and didn’t know where to turn.

He ended up sleeping two nights under a bridge, alone and suicidal, before he wound up at Wairau Hospital’s emergency department.

‘‘That’s when I broke down. All this time up until then, I never wept or cried, but right then it just all came out,’’ he said.

Now, he’s calling for a men’s refuge in Marlborough, to help others avoid a similar experience.

Ben had been married to his wife for more than 40 years, but in that time he said she came to control almost all aspects of his life.

She would dictate what played on the television, regulate what he ate and join his workforce when he found a new job.

‘‘I was living her life, but not living my own. I couldn’t live my own life as she was controlling everything that I did,’’ he said.

On the night that Ben left, he was hit once on the side of his face and once ‘‘real hard’’ under the chin, ‘‘the type to knock you back’’.

She had taken the car keys and locked the door, so he stayed two nights under a bridge, considering his options, and wondering whether suicide was the answer.

‘‘I tried calling Women’s Refuge but they couldn’t help me, which I understand . . . so I got on my bike, hid my pack and biked to the Wairau Hospital,’’ he said.

Staff there helped him connect with a ‘‘brilliant’’ bunch of social workers, police officers and Work and Income employees.

His wife had since been charged with assault and appeared at the Blenheim District Court.

‘‘I feel as though a lot of men out there are in the situation that I was and they have no idea how to get away from it,’’ he said.

‘‘Of course they don’t want to let their drinking mates know that their wife is beating them up, so they go within themselves and they keep taking it.’’

Men needed other men to turn to, he said.

‘‘They just want to get that talk from another man, for someone to give them good advice.’’

Women’s Refuge community and education advocate Carmel Hancock said the Marlborough branch would support the launch of a male equivalent.

‘‘We’re striving towards a violence-free community, and would support any initiative that would help achieve this,’’ she said.

While Women’s Refuge wanted to help everyone affected by family violence, it was not equipped to handle male victims.

‘‘Women’s Refuge was set up for women by women. We believe women are the best for women, and believe men know what’s best for men,’’ she said.

Police family violence reports showed male on male violence was more common than female on male violence.

There was a definite stigma surrounding men in family violence situations, which could contribute to lower reporting rates, she said.

‘‘We know it does happen to men, and that male on woman violence is often due to a bias in society, and that men are stronger and bigger,’’ she said.

‘‘We believe gender does play a role in family violence, but we do also believe there’s a need for men to have a place where they can seek help.’’

Marlborough counsellor George Peart said the closest equivalent to the Marlborough Women’s Refuge for men was Nelson’s Male Room, which received limited resources, and was almost two hours from Blenheim.

‘‘A lot of feedback from males is they’re fearful of going to the police because they’ll be laughed at. Because they look at her, and they look at him, and they don’t believe it,’’ he said.

‘‘Domestic violence is an equal opportunity mongrel. How we go about addressing it, I have no idea.’’

Sergeant Jason Munro, who worked in Marlborough’s family violence division, said any