Does teen travel foster independence or risk too much? Parents weigh in

Kirstie Allsopp was criticised for allowing her 15-year-old to go interrailing with a friend but what age would you allow your child that freedom? Arlene Harris speaks to mums and experts

TV presenter Kirstie Allsopp is best known for her ability to find the perfect home for disillusioned buyers. But she is also no stranger to controversy, causing a great deal of upset when she advised people struggling to get on the property ladder to cut down on expensive lunches and entertainment subscriptions. In July, she made headlines again, this time by revealing on ✸ that her almost 16-year-old son had spent nine days interrailing around Europe with a 16-year-old friend. Proudly sharing details of their trip, she was shocked when the internet erupted, with many condemning her for being negligent, some even reporting her to social services.

Posting on Instagram following the backlash, Allsopp said: “I thought his trip was inspiring, and it never occurred to me in a million years that a call from child services would be involved. It’s been a huge shock, not least for Oscar.”

We spoke to some Irish parents to find out whether or not they believe the outrage was justified or if Allsopp and her partner, Ben Anderson, were simply allowing their son a taste of the independence they felt he was able for.

Maryrose Lyons

Maryrose Lyons, MD of the AI Institute in Athlone, says she wouldn’t have a problem with giving her son Airt (14) the freedom to travel when he is a little older.

“I would be comfortable letting my son go if he agreed to allow me to track his device so I knew where he was, and his Revolut so I knew what he’s spending money on. Also, I would want him to have his WhatsApp location on and respond to calls or texts. Use of technology, clear setting of boundaries and communication would make this a goer from my point of view.

“Obviously, it depends on the child and that the others with him are mature and respectful of cultures and rules. We are a family who have travelled a lot, so getting on and off trains and using apps to book accommodation and transport would not be something new, so there’s less likely to go wrong there.

“However, my son is 14, so the only place he’s going now is to school. But when he’s 16, if he wanted to, I would definitely consider it.”

Lucy Cronly

Lucy Cronly lives in Meath with her husband Nigel and three sons Liam (26), Eoin (21) and Niall (20). From both a professional viewpoint as a life coach who works with teens (lucycronlycoaching.ie) and as a parent of young adults, one of whom is autistic, she says fostering independence is vital.

“Kirstie Allsopp knows her son and is best placed to make a decision about what he is capable of... but I would be curious to know how this trip was negotiated and what sparked the idea. Also, what safeguards were put in place and what was their emergency plan?

“I have three sons with different needs and capacities. The oldest, who is on the autistic spectrum, makes movies and had one shown at a film festival in London a few years ago. He decided he wanted to go over with a friend and while I wanted to say no, as I was fearful it would overwhelm him or he wouldn’t manage, there was a conflict between my wish to keep him safe and his wish for adventure.

“So we discussed it, looked at what could go wrong and made contingency plans. He had an amazing weekend with wonderful adventures — it built his courage, responsibility and confidence. And I realised I could have got in the way of this wonderful opportunity and growth if I had let my fears take over.

“Kirstie’s son is at an age where there is concern but there is also great opportunity, courage, joy and confidence to be found in adventure. Travelling with a companion of a similar age puts a lot of re- sponsibility on both of them and as parents, we strive to do what is best — but we want to build their capacity so they can become happy, competent adults.

“I worked with young people in the care system and often they spoke about not being allowed to stay home alone and adhering to strict guidelines up to the age of 18. When full adult responsibilities kicked in, they felt unprepared.

“I think Kirstie knows her son and is building his skills under her guidance. The interviews she has given seem to support that. We want our children to be safe but it is also important to allow them to do new, brave, exciting things.”

Sally Leadbetter

Sally Leadbetter, owner of PR Partners media relations agency, lives in Kilkenny with her husband Nameer Kazzaz and their children Tiger (14) and Omar (7). As someone who has always enjoyed travelling, she has no hesitation in allowing her sons to follow suit.

“Travel is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your children. Growing up, I was fortunate to travel and experience different parts of the world, which I know shaped my perspective significantly. It’s important, especially in those formative years, to broaden young people’s horizons and expose them to different cultures and ways of thinking.

“At 16, teenagers are on the cusp of adulthood. Legally, they can leave school, live independently and hold down a full-time job. It’s also the digital age of consent in Ireland, and you can ride a (lower-powered) motorcycle, both arguably riskier than interrailing.

“I don’t understand the scrutiny Kirstie Allsopp is facing — parents know whether their teen is ready for such responsibility.

So while some may not be mature enough, others are fully capable of handling the independence.

“Interrailing suggests adventure, exploration and curiosity, a chance to learn invaluable life skills, such as money and time management, navigating different cultures and learning a new language. So, if my child felt ready to travel at 16, especially interrailing around Europe, I’d support that. Of course, I’d worry the entire time — that’s just part of being a parent. But these rites of passage are really

important.”

Dee Woods

Dee Woods doesn’t agree. Living in Dublin with her husband Marty Miller, the mother of two, Eleanor (8) and Nathan (6), says that although she and Marty, both presenters on Radio Nova, love travelling, they would draw the line at allowing teenagers to head off alone.

“Travel is, in so many ways, the best education for a person of any age. However there’s a time to pack a bag for exploring and I don’t believe 15 is the right age.

“I’m the first person to say kids spend way too much time with their back to the world and their face in a screen but I really don’t believe the world is safe enough to let a 15-year-old venture into the sunset without an adult.

“Of course, I will support and encourage my kids to travel in the future, as I want them to see, experience and take in as much as they can about different cultures, places and races but that has to be when they’re physically and mentally ready and, at the very least, 18. .”

It’s clear that there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to parenting, and senior psychologist Peadar Maxwell says whether or not we allow our children to travel independently is a “personal and unique” decision.

“It depends on factors such as their age, legal obligations around safety and protection and what type of travel experiences the parents and children have had,” he says.

“Some parents will remember their own backpacking days and wish their children to have the same wonderful experiences or avoid the dangers they experienced, while some teenagers may have travelled extensively.

“Personally, I think it’s safe to say that most nearly 16-year-olds do not have the knowledge and experience to navigate outside of their own country or culture on their own. “A different approach to allowing them to head off alone is to give them more independence as they mature, while also being mindful to teach them the skills they will need. Those skills could be understanding danger, the importance of having a buddy or ally as you travel independently, respecting the culture in which you find yourself and assessing risk.”

Fellow psychologist, Dr Malie Coyne agrees and would not allow her own teenagers to travel alone. “I don’t think there is an exact age which is appropriate, because every teen is different in maturity, and every parent is different,” she says.

“I’m not saying parents should or shouldn’t allow it, but I don’t believe that children at 15 are mature enough, so why not let them wait another year or two? If they really want to do it, come up with a compromise for them, maybe somewhere closer to home.”

However, the clinical psychologist says it’s up to individual parents to make their own decisions. “I don’t think anything someone says on social media warrants them being vilified,” she says. “My husband and I were discussing this and he said it’s like a game of snakes and ladders — the ladders are the lucky times when things go well, and Kirstie’s son was lucky he had many to climb.

“But where there are ladders, there are snakes and we don’t know where these are. So while we may have prepared our kids well, the snakes are there and a 15-year-old brain may not be astute enough to know where to look.”

“If my child felt ready to travel at 16, especially interrailing around Europe, I’d support that. Of course, I’d worry the entire time — that’s just part of being a parent”

One would assume that giftedness would be a boon for a child. Giftedness is generally defined as having an IQ above 120 (in the 95th percentile) or having a specific aptitude in music, art or psychomotor skill that can also be measured above the 95th percentile. Being super-smart, or super-talented, should smooth their path through life, leading to success and happiness. However, decades of research have shown that actually, that path may be complex and challenging.

An interesting UK study tracked gifted children over a 35-year period. The author of the study tracked three groups of children into their adulthood: One group who had been identified and labelled as gifted by parents and teachers, a second group who were also in the gifted range of ability but hadn’t been identified as such by parents or teachers, and the third group were of average ability.

That study showed that those children who were labelled gifted were significantly more likely to struggle with their emotional wellbeing than either of the other two groups. The researcher felt this was probably because the labelled gifted were usually treated differently from the equally able non-labelled gifted by their parents and teachers. She felt they were burdened with adult attitudes and expectations and felt obliged to comply, compromising their development.

The same may be true for children and teenagers who are identified as having particular talents in music or sport. While there may be a push to develop that ability, moving them into “elite” status, there can again be very high and relentless expectations of parents and coaches/ teachers. This can translate into overwhelming pressure and even burnout.

Another burden for the gifted child, when they are recognised as gifted, is that when children get praised for being smart (as opposed to being praised for their efforts), they tend to be less interested in learning, have less persistence and may even cheat to uphold their status as “smart”.

Ironically, children who are gifted can also struggle in school. Sometimes they are bored and unmotivated as there is not enough challenge in the curriculum at their age level. Sometimes they feel frustrated that school takes up too much time focused on irrelevant things and that their time might be better spent on other interests or challenges.

There is even a suggestion that giftedness brings children into the realm of neurodivergence. Some research demonstrates that the brains of people with high IQs are differently developed, with more development in the areas of the brain known to be used for attention, auditory processing, recognition and emotional processing. They have also been shown to have more connections between different parts of their brains and this may lead to more efficient information-processing.

All of this means that if you have a child who is gifted, or exceptionally talented, you might need to think differently about how you parent them to ensure they grow up being able to take full advantage of their giftedness.

For a start, focusing on the efforts they put in, rather than their performance in tests or events, will allow them to keep their energy harnessed on working hard and remaining motivated to continuously improve.

Indeed, this core approach to recognising effort is at the heart of helping children develop what is called a growth mindset. People with a growth mindset believe that their abilities can be developed and improved over time, while those with a fixed mindset believe their abilities are innate and cannot be changed.

In terms of giftedness, having a fixed mindset could lead a child to struggle to manage inevitable failure. In this case, not doing well threatens their belief in their own giftedness which could lead them to give up, or just not want to compete or push themselves at all.

To combat this, a gifted child will need a lot of support to make sense of their disappointment or frustration at not being good at certain things, or even not excelling in their “gifted” ability, such that they learn to see that failure isn’t necessarily permanent but that actually, the development of alternative skills and strategies is possible and this in turn might lead to success in the future.

All the evidence suggests that while giftedness may be innate, a fixed or growth mindset is most definitely nurtured. Parents need to support their children’s work ethic, efforts, willingness to be flexible and willingness to try multiple strategies. This is, of course, true for all children, but is especially relevant with gifted children.

Great childhood ability does often translate to great adult success, but it is a success that will be enhanced when children see themselves as able not just to perform, but also allowed to fail sometimes too.

‘While giftedness may be innate, a fixed or growth mindset is most definitely nurtured’