My partner is paying his ex a lot of attention

DEAR MAURA

My partner is paying his ex a lot of attention. They’ve a son and I get that he needs to see him, which he does regularly, but he worries about her.

She’s needy, to say the least. She could ring late at night because the light isn’t on in the fridge, or she thinks there’s someone outside and he feels obliged to go over to her.

Unfortunately, she lives only a few streets away. We live in his house which he bought after that relationship ended and the house she’s in is the one they rented together.

She stayed there and he agreed because he’s near his son. But it’s too convenient for his ex to always have him at a text away. It has caused a few rows between us, but I’ve pulled back now because I really don’t want to make this an issue in our relationship.

He needs to be stronger with her. I don’t know why he can’t tell her that he’s moved on, and she needs to do the same. The responsibility he has for his son is a totally different issue. She’s not seeing anyone.

This is a difficult situation for your boyfriend because he’s thinking of his son and that’s the main dynamic here.

Maybe he’s afraid she’ll make things difficult for him. He seems almost nervous if he doesn’t go to her whenever she calls. That’s his first mistake — being ready to head over to her for whatever the reason.

He’ll need to say no to something mundane she calls about, like the light in the fridge.

He should tell her that he’s busy with his own home, or going out with you, or away with you, just to align her focus on the fact that he is with someone else.

As long as he responds when she calls this pattern will continue. Support him to be firmer with her. Explain to his ex that he’s always willing to help when he can, will always be a father to their son, but he has another life that needs him too.