Prof. Eddie Murphy Insights from the therapy room
The counselling therapy room is a unique space. My room is comfortable with so comfy chairs and cushions. ‘Mary’ comes in and takes o her coat, which she wears almost like armour, allowing herself to relax and o oad. ‘Sean’ is a young man who comes in, crashes into the chair, exhales and holds and squeezes the cushions as he talks. When children come into the room, if they are over six, I teach them draughts: children are so used to screen time that this ‘analogue’ board game works as way of engaging them. During this play, we get the opportunity to explore what’s going on with them and look for solutions.
Vulnerability & acceptance
Vulnerability and acceptance are two key areas in life that we all have to work on. Vulnerability is often seen as a negative sensation or place to be. Take ‘Joan’, who recently told me about a frequent situation in her relationship. “I want to talk to my partner, I really need to tell him he is upsetting me, but I cry when I try to give him this message and instead he sabotages me with ‘ There you go crying again...’” We worked on how Joan can communicate effectively even when she is feeling upset: ‘Even though I am upset and crying, what I am saying is important and you need to...’ This is a key skill if your vulnerability is being used against you.
Over the years on Operation Transformation,
I have been grateful to the leaders for how they allow us into their lives and for how they showed their vulnerability. Often I think that to get to a place of new strength, we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
Most of us have vulnerabilities; in fact, I believe we all have. In true relationships, we open up and let others know our vulnerabilities – this is a big part of the connecting and bonding process. A tension exists between this vulnerability and how we are taught to show the opposite; namely to be guarded and immune to the slings and arrows of life. Could this approach to vulnerability be an unhelpful mindset? Could we be setting ourselves up for even bigger falls?
Vulnerability is part of the human experience: we look for it in others and deny it within ourselves. Our vulnerabilities unconsciously amplify our hurts, heartbreaks and setbacks. If we didn’t have these experiences, then how would we be able to truly appreciate the joys and happiness of life? That is a paradox: to be our ‘real self’, vulnerability must be part of our experience and that is also a source of strength and resilience. The example of Muhammad Ali teaches us about embracing vulnerability. How you can be both strong and vulnerable. Embracing vulnerability rather than fighting against it allows for those with emotional struggles to tackle their difficulties in a different way. US author and actor, Stephen Russell, noted that “vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty.” Imagine your vulnerability as a stone in your shoe. For many, that stone is not their vulnerability but something they too often hold onto: hurt, limiting labels, depression, anxiety, grudges, etc. It’s toxic stuff. A challenge is to ditch these stones and their toxicity. They can be part of our defence mechanism that impedes our growth and ensure our emotional wounds never heal. Therapists advise that before we remove a defence, we need to replace it with healthier actions. The challenge for all of us is to identify our true vulnerabilities and find acceptance of the stuff that we are avoiding because we fear or don’t know how to change. Finally, don’t let your vulnerability be used against you. You are at your greatest when vulnerable: it’s when you are like this but consistently show up, that you feel the measure of your courage.