Easy does it is the new way...
HOW ‘GENTLE PARENTING’ CAN WORK FOR YOUR FAMILY
IF BEING smacked and shouted at was how you were raised, you may feel there must be a better way to bring up your own children.
But if the other extreme — ‘permissive parenting’, where there’s very few boundaries and little or no discipline — is a step too far, could ‘gentle parenting’ be a good middleground?
Gentle parenting focuses on four key elements: respect, empathy, boundaries and understanding. And while it’s all the rage on social media at the moment, this school of thought has been around under different names for a long time.
As consultant clinical psychologist Emma Citron explains: “Gentle parenting has likely become another fad, but it’s merely a different name for old rope.
“Any type of parenting should be encouraged to be gentle parenting — in psychology, we call it positive parenting.
“It’s based on the idea that we notice the positive things children do and make a fuss of them, but ignore the silly things, because the model is encouraging good behaviours rather than poor.”
She says there’s no need for punishments or negativity if you have a good relationship with your child.
So, for example, instead of saying, ‘Get your feet off the couch’, it’s more helpful to say, ‘I’d prefer you not to put your feet on the couch because the mud gets on it’.
“You can have consequences,” explains Citron, “but there’s no need to raise voices or be negative or punitive — all that does is erode the relationship and the trust and communication between you.”
Here is one take on gentle parenting…
Use positive language
“Just change a few things you say to them,” says mum-of-one Kelly Medina Enos, who has been trying out gentle parenting.
Instead of ‘No, get down from there’, it’s ‘Feet on the floor please’. Instead of ‘Stop running’, it’s ‘Walking feet, please’.
“There’s not a ‘one sentence wonder’ for every child — you have to find out what works for both of you.
“If you say, ‘No! Don’t you dare draw on that wall!’, children don’t tend to hear the words ‘no’ and ‘don’t’, they just hear the part after and think, ‘Oh, I get to draw on the wall’,” adds Enos. “So say something like, ‘Pens are for paper’. You have to change the way you speak to them.”
If they ignore you…
Explaining that her son loved climbing on the table, Enos says: “I’d say, ‘Feet on the floor please’. If that was ignored, then I’d say, ‘Do you feel safe up there?’ If they say they do feel safe, ask them how they’re going to get down.
“And as a last resort you might say, ‘Either you can get yourself down, or mummy can help you’.”
facing tantrums
Enos says parents need to “be the calm in your child’s storm” when tantrums occur. “When George was having a tantrum, I just sat down on the floor and gave him enough space and allowed him to feel his feelings,” she says.
“When there was a break in the crying, I’d offer a hug, and if he said no, I’d say I was there when he needed me. I’d remain calmly sitting, model deep breaths, and if he got a bit more verbal, I’d discuss how deep breaths could help him when he’s really frustrated.”
give them options
If you find yourself in a power struggle with your child, give them options, suggests Enos. For example: It’s bath time soon — do you want me to set the alarm for five minutes or 10 minutes? Or: How much more playing do you want to do, two minutes or five minutes?
“They’ll feel really in control of their routine,” says Enos.
Create a ‘calm down corner’
Enos suggests putting cushions, books, a breathe board, non-stimulating ‘fidget’ toys etc in one space — she’s used a cupboard under the stairs where the door was kept open, offering it to her son when he was getting frustrated.
This isn’t a naughty step — a child goes to the naughty step to think about what they’ve done, whereas the calm-down corner is “for when your child’s emotions start to rise,” she explains.