PERSONALITY D
BY MICHAELA BRADY
ENOUGH about me, let’s talk about you. What do you think of me?
Welcome to the world of narcissism. It’s the buzzword of our era, used to label public figures from
Donald Trump to Amber Heard. All kinds of obnoxious behaviour is routinely explained away on the basis that the person is a “narc”.
It’s understood to be on the rise – influenced, no doubt, by a culture of social media, selfies, Photoshopping and plastic surgery.
The term conjures up notions of what we refer to in Ireland as the Me Feiner, with that need to be noticed. Someone who constantly boasts and posts about who they are, what they do and who they know.
Although, we might be somewhat familiar with that self-indulgent sort, most of us are not really clued into how dark and damaging the real Narc can be.
As a psychotherapist with 20 years clinical experience I am no stranger to the devastating effects of narcissistic abuse and have supported many on their healing journey.
My aim is to share this insight so you can know what to watch for, recognise the impact, stay safe and learn tips for recovery.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
Have you ever experienced “the ex” who left you crippled with confusion, or frustration over fluctuations between Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde? The colleague who is a master manipulator and thrives on creating conflict?
Or perhaps your relative, who bulldozes boundaries and blatantly refuses to take any responsibility. You may even know the Pinocchio type, who continues to fabricate and exaggerate despite their fibs being exposed.
If you are nodding, you might just be entangled with a narcissist. Not that I am diagnosing – or suggesting you do either – just maybe some food for thought. After all information is power so let’s get informed.
According to the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders “narcissism is a personality disorder with specific patterns of behaviour” which include:
An attitude of grandiosity and a need for excessive admiration;
A complete lack of empathy and refusal take responsibility or accountability;
A preoccupation with unlimited success, brilliance and beauty; and
A high tendency to deceive, manipulate and cheat – with little remorse.
A relationship with a narcissist, whether romantic, platonic or professional, tends to follow a specific pattern of highs and lows that renders the victim confused as they fall prey to a set of calculated tactics.
These tend to unfold through the following three stages:
THE IDEALISATION STAGE
Otherwise known as Love Bombing, this is the honeymoon phase of a normal relationship on steroids.
Clients have confided: “It was amazing initially, we had an instant connection and chemistry – they were so attentive, supportive and thoughtful.
“They were besotted and declared I was the one, their soul mate. I was
showered with lavish gifts, adventurous trips, ongoing texts and sex. It was a whirlwind romance with an almost premature planning of our happy ever and then, gradually, it started to change.”
THE DEVALUE STAGE
I call this the Plunder from the Pedestal Phase and the higher the pedestal, the harder the fall. Of course all relationships encounter challenges, but we can overcome these and deepen the connection by open communication, compromise, flexibility and respect.
Not the narcissist though. Due to their extreme low self-esteem, and lack of self-awareness, they are unwilling or unable to do this and here’s where the confusion and heartbreak begins.
Clients have shared: “They became distant by times. I just got a sense some told para and t
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