New man is super keen and he’s starting to put me off

Dear Coleen

I came out of a long-term relationship a few months ago. It should have ended long before it did, but I was still left feeling hurt, cheated and angry, and it’s taken a while to feel myself again.

However, I’ve put myself on some dating sites and have met up with a few guys, most of whom were nice to spend time with, but none I felt had long-term potential.

Then one guy popped up who I really liked from the start and we’ve met up a few times now. But, here’s my issue, he’s super keen and admitted on our first date that he wanted to settle down with someone quickly, get married, have babies – the full nine yards. It shocked me a bit that he was willing to admit that so early on.

He also keeps coming up with plans for us – mini-breaks, dinners, various activities and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all.

My last partner was a commitmentphobe, which is one of the reasons we broke up, so I feel quite suspicious of this guy’s enthusiasm.

Do you have any advice?

Coleen says

If you genuinely like him and see potential, you just need to ask him to slow down a bit. Just be honest – tell him you’re not saying you don’t want those things in the future, but not now.

Explain you want to enjoy getting to know him and don’t want to get bogged down in talk about the future when you’ve only just met. You’ve only recently come out of a long-term relationship, so this all feels a bit fast.

I also think you need to get into the driving seat sometimes and control the action – why don’t you come up with things to do or make decisions about where you go? Set your own pace and don’t simply react to him all the time.

Having delved into online dating myself in recent months I think the most important thing is honesty, so you both know where you stand and don’t waste time on something that doesn’t feel right.

Equally, don’t compare every guy to your last boyfriend and reject people because they seem keen or too nice.

If you like someone, give it a few dates because sometimes it’s a slow burn and not love at first sight or instant chemistry.

He’s looking for marriage, kids... the full nine yards