WAVE GOODBYE TO THE BRASSY BIRD’S NEST

HE’S a lovely man, is Michael Van Clarke, wreathed in smiles and dapper in a navy Gucci suit, but he was a bit stumped on being presented with the Millard Mop at 9 am on Super Saturday.

‘Do you actually have a hairbrush?’ he asked me at one point. Was he going to cut it all off? He was not. ‘I am going to reduce it while keeping the length,’ he said. ‘This is the trouble about short hair. If you don’t cut long hair, it just gets longer. Uncut short hair however just gets . . . bigger.’ It was big, and it was brassy. ‘Have you been using . . . box dyes?’ asked colour technician Jodie Searle. I nodded miserably. She nodded miserably. ‘It’s all one colour!’

In the expert hands of Van Clarke and his team, my big bird’s nest was transformed into something silky, elegant and ‘dynamic’, thanks to a subtle trim and a complete colour overhaul which triumphantly banished the residue of my own cack-handed attempts.

As hairdressing experiences go, it was all there; the gown, the foil, those weird combs with long handles, bits of hair flying everywhere, even a bit of chat about holidays and boyfriends.

Yes, Van Clarke and Searle were in visors or masks, but that has become unremarkable. The salon was deliberately half full, with hand sanitiser everywhere. Being an upmarket salon, it was bespoke Michael Van Clarke sanitiser. Plus, there was no cheesy playlist to shout over. Hoorah! The whole experience was as luxurious and relaxing as it should have been, and the line of grateful clients practically racing in through the door only reinforced the pleasure vibe.

Had Van Clarke been inundated with needy women pleading for a trim throughout lockdown? ‘I had clients suggesting they drive past and stick their head out of the car window so I could cut their fringe,’ he said. ‘I also had clients offering to come in secretly at night and suggesting I operate with all the lights off. I mean, how was that ever going to work?’

When Haircutting Liberation Day was announced, his staff made 3,000 phone calls to the entire client list. Van Clarke has opened the salon seven days a week, and is running two shifts between 7am and 10pm, to service the lot. He estimates he will get through the backlog by the beginning of August.

‘A lot roped their husbands in to help with colouring and cutting, and used binliners as hairdressing gowns, but it wasn’t easy,’ says Van Clarke.

What a day. The almost forgotten sensation of having my hair cut (MVC always cuts dry), coloured, washed and styled was so lovely. And being pampered after months of, DIY beauty, made me feel a million dollars, full of energy and years younger.

I am lucky; I haven’t had Covid, nor have I had to endure selfisolation. But seeing my barnet descend into unkempt madness has been depressing, particularly as I seem to be on a screen in Zoom mode most of the time.

‘Hope you’re going somewhere special tonight,’ joked my follicle saviour as I skipped out of the salon. Does an online quiz count?