My sister has total control over our sick mum

DEAR BEL

I AM torn between my mother’s needs due to stroke-induced disability and my own dire health, after battling breast cancer for five years. I’m now back on chemo. Multiple operations and powerful drugs have left me physically weak and not much use to Mother.

My sister has taken on the role of main carer, controlling almost every aspect of her life, while bringing up two young children and trying to keep up her career, working from home. I appreciate the burden she bears and how demanding her life is. But we do not have a good relationship.

Visiting Mother (an hour’s drive) can be hard, due to my condition. I have begged her to use some of her savings for carers. But my sister has almost complete control of our mother’s finances, and Mother won’t discuss using her own money to help herself.

At 80, and once a fiercely independent woman, she’s now a wizened sparrow, like a prisoner in her own home, only seeing social services carers, my sister (who devotes a lot of time to daily needs) and me on brief visits.

Her only outings are to medical appointments — she hasn’t even been in the garden she adores as somebody has to help her outside and I’m not strong enough.

A possible pleasure, food, is also denied her, as my (rather obsessive) sister has her on a particular diet, even though Mother has been tested for food intolerances and has none.

You’ll say I must talk to my sister! I tried — in a long email she ignored. She punished my mother instead by doing only the minimum. When I asked my sister to consider extra private care, she texted: ‘Do what you want.’

I arranged a chat with a private care agency to assess my mother’s needs but the day before the appointment, my mother called on my sister’s phone, very upset, and told me to cancel everything, she said she didn’t need any extra care.

Friends have tried talking to my sister — to no avail. The stress of seeing Mother so reduced is taking its toll on my health. My children say I must look after myself, as she may be my mother, but I am theirs.

They worry my inevitable death will be hastened by my mother and sister’s refusal to use her considerable financial resources to improve her life. What do you think about this complex dilemma about conflicting needs? JAYNE

THIS makes me feel I am tip-toeing into a minefield. It made me think, ‘There but for fortune’, and I suspect

many readers will agree.

You call your problem ‘complex’; I would like readers to know that your original was 1,736 words, edited to 460 here. So there is information I have which will inform my attempt at a reply.

I tread with care because this story concerns three main players — all vulnerable in different ways.

Your mother’s situation is pitiable in the extreme, but so is your own condition, made worse by this sense of guilt and frustration.

Then there is your sister who is surely doing her best as she sees it.

In spite of your differences, you are quick to acknowledge the demands made on her. There must be days when she feels under much stress — and a letter from her could spell that out in ways perhaps even you are unaware of. Readers will argue that she is obviously a controlling person and her treatment of your mother stems from her ego rather than what your mother wants.

It’s worrying if your mother really is ‘afraid’ of this strongminded daughter; nevertheless your honest praise of your sister has to be remembered.

Whatever the truth, it’s my view that elderly people need treats — and if that includes grapes and chocolates when there is no evidence whatsoever of allergy, then give what makes them happy. She suffers enough with her disability.

I wish your mother’s GP could be involved or a private dietitian hired to mediate.

No matter how well-intentioned your sister is, she must ask herself how far she is motivated by her own obsession and how far by a genuine care for her mother’s likes, dislikes and needs.

I need to be neutral because it’s essential your relationship does not break down.

If your mother’s spirits would be lifted by her garden or a visit to the park and your sister has no time, the help of a private carer is essential.

The funds are there, so there’s no reason not to use them. This would, after all, lift a burden from your sister. You need to sit down with her, face to face, and draw up a plan. She knows how ill you are, so it would be wrong of her to refuse.

You say others have tried to intervene, but your tricky sister has put them off. Now your adult children are anxious about you — and since this vulnerable lady is their grandmother, I wish they would give practical help.

Yes, people are busy; on the other hand, sacrifices can be made. Can’t at least one of them become your ‘envoy’ and converse with their aunt — to help lift your burden of anxiety?

Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty and sadness... Were it otherwise he would never have been able to find the words. RAINER MARIA RILKE (AUSTRIAN WRITER, 1875-1926)