I feel isolated because I cannot keep any friends

DEAR BEL

WHEN I make new friends all is well for a while. We meet and message regularly, but then they develop other friendships and interests. Soon meetings and messaging becomes intermittent.

I decided I must have a boring personality and so I have incorporated aspects of personalities of people who are popular in the hope it would make a difference. But it has not been as successful as I hoped it would be — and by taking this course I don’t know how to be myself any more.

I cannot have a relaxed conversation with most people because I am constantly thinking about what to say next, feeling on edge in case I stay on one subject too long. At work, I see my colleagues develop friendships and wonder why it is different for me. I joined a gym in the hope I would make new friends, but to no avail — most come along with friends and those on their own don’t talk to anyone.

I sometimes feel isolated when I see photos of my friends on social media within their new friendship groups. I don’t know what the answer is to my dilemma. CANDY

YOUR subject was, ‘Why do friends desert me?’ — but I ask, why have you deserted yourself? This short email evokes an image of a little figure on an empty stage, surrounded by theatrical props, donning first this mask, then that one, a wig, a hat… then picking up different scripts to learn some lines

and waiting for the audience to applaud the character you’re trying to become.

But they don’t. Because most people have acute antennae which detect fakery. We want to relate to real people, not impersonators.

Yes, most of us learn how to ‘perform’ in different situations because it’s a way of coping and even shy people can learn strategies for social life.

Even confident folk will, when necessary, wear a ‘face’ that suits the room to be entered. You’ve let this instinctive tendency take over, obliterating your own true self.

Self-examination is essential — not to understand why ‘friends desert you’, but to work out whether you’ve ever been the kind of friend that you would want for yourself. Write it down. It clarifies the mind.

Go to the gym to get fit, but it’s not a place for chat. Anything you do with the specific goal of making new friends is likely to fail, because the motivation is wrong. Genuine interests need developing for their own sakes — not used as a means to an end. Plus, if you throw yourself keenly into an activity, you’re likely to become a more interesting personality.

Similarly, when you talk to people because you’re truly interested in what they have to say, conversational self-consciousness disappears. Asking questions and listening to the replies and then following up with an observation about what you’ve just heard — this is the key to conversation.

Concentrate on this and you won’t have time to worry about what to say next. Instead of obsessing about being interesting, you need to become interested — in everything you do and in the people you meet.

Your real self will grow as you start to care about what makes other people tick.