The A-Z GUIDE to the Lions in New Zealand

A is for ANTHEM: The Kiwis have one (harmless), the Lions have nothing — although they did the last time they were in New Zealand. In 2005, Clive Woodward commissioned ‘The Power Of Four’ which contained inspirational lyrics like: ‘We’re united hand in hand, together we’re stronger, we join and proud we stand’. It was a cringe-fest and promptly dumped. Asked about it in 2009, Alun-Wyn Jones said he’d rather sing the ‘Power Of Love’ (the Huey Lewis version, obviously). B is for BEAUDEN BARRETT: Baby-faced assassin (right) who happens to be gifted, idolised and yet unfeasibly modest. You’d fling your sister at him,

C is for CULTURE: Take rugby and the Maori boys out of it (see HAKA) and New Zealand does not have a whole lot going on culture-wise. They do have the opera star Kiri Te Kanawa, the settings for Lord Of The Rings and singer Neil Finn — the founder of Crowded House whose biggest hit was a song about the weather.

D is for DOUR: The All Blacks have a long history of coaches whose faces make clocks lose the will to tick. Graham Henry’s expression was constantly set at lugubrious and his successor Steve Hansen has a visage that belongs behind the wheel of a hearse.

E is for EARLY risers: It was all the rage in 2005, pubs serving pints for Test matches that kicked off at 8.30 in the morning. Problem was, the Lions got hosed in all three Tests and the mid-morning streets were full of drunk, depressed rugby chaps making bad decisions in Centra: ‘Hello my good man, could I get one of those breakfast rolls and a copy of Juggs, please?’

F is for Lions FANS: Expect plenty of online evidence of the camper-van brigade living it up while doing the Lions proud. We saw loads of this at the Euros, lads getting locked and then filming themselves serenading nuns or picking up burger wrappers. Gas craic ...and yet …uplifting also.

G is for GINGER beer: The Kiwis love it and do an alcoholic version, perfect for rugby-watching duties. In Ireland you can only get it in a Fisher Pricesize mixer bottle for around three quid which means having to resort to West Coast Coolers and all the accompanying stigmas. ‘A West Coast Cooler Rose, please?’ ‘Really?’ ‘Yeah, eh, it’s for my wife.’ ‘I don’t see anyone with you.’ ‘Just get the drink, d***head…’

H is for HAKA: Just once, you would love to see a Kiwi do a bit of a poem or an ’aul ballad but, no, every school the Lions visit, every airport they land into, every time they go to the shop to get crisps, the chances are they will be greeted by wide-eyed lads slapping their elbows and shout- ing. It gets old very fast... seen one haka, seen ’em all.

I is for IAN McGeechan: Revered for his exploits as player and coach, ‘Geech’ has become a sort of wise, elderly spirit for the Lions, regularly passing on softly-spoken, misty-eyed wisdom — a bit like Obi Wan Kenobi in Star Wars... or Yoda.

J is for JOSH van der Flier: Superb against the All Blacks last November, with the breakdown battle critical and only Justin Tipuric qualifying as a truly specialist openside, Van der Flier should keep the phone on.

K is for KIWI supporters: Aggressively loyal when the All Blacks are winning and truly vicious when they lose. Other characteristics include a total lack of interest in the opposition and unfamiliarity with the practice of buying rounds. L is for LOVE-IN: After 2005, the Lions

made a point of love-bombing their travelling media and have since been rewarded with predominantly positive coverage under a stage-managed ‘we’re all in this together’ approach. The lowpoint was the infamous interview with Simon Shaw after the second Test defeat by South Africa in 2009: ‘Give us a hug, Shawsie.’ M is for Jack McGRATH: A warrior and early tip for Lions player of the tour. N is for the NEW ZEALAND HERALD: The primary propaganda tool that will be used against the Lions — the Herald has form, mocking up Warren Gatland as a clown last year in response to his criticism of Kiwi supporters. Bottom line, they don’t like that one of New Zealand’s own is trying to beat them. O is for OWEN Farrell: Ireland hopes Johnny Sexton will wear No10 in the Tests but, wherever he plays, Farrell has to start. He has what the Maoris refer to as ‘mana’, which loosely translates as an aura of cool masculinity. Think Lee Majors in his 1970s heyday. P is for PETER O’Mahony: Was in Hamilton in 2012 when New Zealand put 60 points on Ireland and missed out on the historic Chicago win last November... let’s just say he won’t be short on motivation. Q is for QUEUES: The popularity of the Lions concept among supporters (and advertisers) has never been higher. In truth, Lions tours make little sense in modern rugby’s congested schedule but they are in little danger as long as the money keeps rolling in. is for Brodie RETALLICK: Leviathan All Blacks second row who is scarily good as well as being, well, scary. is for SCANDAL: In the smartphone era, everyone is potential paparazzi and something is going to happen over the next six weeks that will push rugby from the back to front pages. Last year, it was Aaron Smith — the All Blacks scrum-half caught in the airport jacks ‘hugging’ a, clearly emotional, female supporter. T is for TANA Umaga: All Blacks captain in 2005 and primary villain of the ‘Speargate’ controversy, Umaga is now coaching the Auckland Blues, who the Lions play next week. You wonder will it come up... U is for UMBRELLAS: It is winter in New Zealand and that means rain, lots of it. The hosts are well used to playing in wet conditions but there is still opportunity here for the Lions — if they can get their maul going, the All Blacks don’t like it. V is for VOWELS: The Kiwis can’t handle them — A becomes E, I becomes U and E becomes EE, as in: ‘We heven’t much time, the Tist starts in teen munites, lit’s get some fush and chups.’ W is for WARREN Gatland: Ireland nurtured him, hired him, shafted him and then watched him develop into one of the most successful coaches the game has seen — exacting revenge on the Irish whenever possible (he even did for Drico on the last tour). X is for XENOPHOBICS: That is what they call those of us who maintain Lions tours should only be for those raised in Britain and Ireland and that Jared Payne, Ben Te’o and CJ Stander have no place on this one. Sticks and stones... when you’re right, you’re right. Y is for YELLOW cards: A slim hope. The tourists have better placekickers to exploit penalty opportunities and would have some chance against 14 men. Z is for three-ZIP: The most likely outcome from this series, and not in favour of the Lions. Gatland’s men will be desperate to avoid this scenario — if only to cut down on the number of celebratory hakas.