Confessional

What your masseuse really thinks about you

THE worst thing about this job is the endless jokes when anyone asks what I do. I say ‘sports therapist’ rather than ‘masseur’, even though that’s only a small part of my business. My main clientele are stressed middle-aged people, who come to have their aches and pains massaged away.

But it’s not that simple. If you have a rubbish diet, never exercise and are hunched over a desk every day, a 50minute massage isn’t going to cure you.

I always discuss diet and health issues before I start a course of treatment, but most of the time I might as well not bother.

People just want their tension unknotted, but until they tackle the root causes I know they’ll be back a few weeks later.

It’s a physical job. Men, particularly, can have such tight muscles from overtraining at the gym. With very large people, it can be harder to reach the core problem, and they often tense up. Women will always say ‘Sorry about the bra’ or ‘I’ve put a bit of weight on.’

Most people will shower before their appointment, but not everyone does. When there is a body odour issue, I’ll say: ‘I always advise clients to have a shower first to warm up the muscles.’ If it’s really bad, I’ll dot a bit of menthol balm under my nose. That’s rare, though.

I always cover exposed areas and most people prefer to leave their underwear on. I never use essential oils associated with seduction, such as ylang ylang.

If I sense a male client may be enjoying himself a little too much, I’ll leave the room, so he can compose himself. Usually, i t’s only people who l ack human interaction who react that way.

Clients often confide in me. I’m not a psychotherapist, but there are a lot of lonely people out there.