Between the Sheets
Brainiac experts offer their top sex tips
“TO MEN AND WOMEN: the brain also is a sexually differentiated organ. One only has to look at magazines and news reports to note how well women are succeeding in filling important positions in different realms of society. But that does not prove that men and women are moving closer to ‘equality.’ The brain is wired from birth in markedly significant ways that are different in men and women. It is to women’s advantage to be cognizant of and to accept this well-established finding from brain research, to consider how these differences affect their perceptions, behaviour and emotional responses and to consider what it means for them as an individual. It is accepted that men and women are inescapably different in the genital-reproduction system, in muscle fibre composition but it is time also to accept this as true of our neural makeup and its cognitive consequences.”
—Sandra Witelson is a neuroscientist, professor of psychiatry and behavioural neurosciences and chair in neuroscience at McMaster University. Her work has played a critical role in legitimizing new methodologies to study topics such as sex differences in the brain, sexual orientation and the biological basis of intelligence.
“MANY COUPLES, particularly those who have been together sexually for a long time, fall into very predictable patterns of sexual behaviour – they have sex at the same time of day, they ‘lure’ each other with the same signals, they use the same foreplay techniques and they have sex in the same positions. Too much predictability in a sexual relationship causes boredom and can negatively impact sex drive. Just because you’ve been having sex with the same person for 20 years doesn’t mean it has to be boring. It’s time to shake things up a bit. Surprise your partner by having sex when he or she might least expect it, wear something sexy or try a new position. A fun exercise for couples in long-term relationships is to go to the bookstore together and buy a book such as The Joy of Sex and read it together and pick out some new techniques to incorporate into your sexual repertoire. If you don’t get it right the first time and you end up laughing on the floor, well, that’s good, too, because humour is a great aphrodisiac – it relaxes you, induces positive mood and pumps up the branch of the nervous system that helps blood flow into the genitals, which is necessary for sexual arousal.”
—Cindy Meston is a clinical psychologist at the University at Texas in Austin. She is published widely in top academic and commercial publications on the subject of why people have sex.
“A KISS SERVES to foster the special bond between people and can keep passion alive in couples who have been together for years, long after the novelty wears off. Kissing promotes oxytocin, also known as the love hormone, which makes us feel close and attached to our partner. It’s an important way to reconnect, providing a sense of security and stability, which has been physiologically linked to happiness. Many couples in long-term relationships let kissing fall by the wayside, but science suggests that we should consciously take the time to keep kissing.”
—Sheril Kirshenbaum is a biologist and director of the energy poll at the University of Texas at Austin and author of The Science of Kissing.
“MY TOP SEX TIP is to ignore sex tips. Just have fun, however that plays out. We have a tendency to make everything into work, competition. This approach to life can leave us thinking that anything short of ‘excellence’ is failure. This is a losing strategy. Sex isn’t something we should be strategizing about. One of the best things about sex is that it can be blessedly free of thought. In sex, as in so many other facets of life, the more you think about it, the more problematic things can become. Forget what the experts say. Just enjoy yourself.”
—Christopher Ryan is an author, podcaster and self-described “shame exorcist.” He co-wrote the 2011 book Sex at Dawn about how monogamy evolved in the human race.
“WANT A MORE fulfilling sex life? Then start with more fulfilling communication! Push past your comfort levels and communicate for real. Be open and honest. You have to be brave and vulnerable. Replace the fear with love! When setting up sensitive and important conversations, pick the right time and place to do it. Carve out some special time and then ask each other, ‘Are you getting your physical and emotional needs met?’ and ‘What are your top three priorities?’ and ‘What are your passions in life?’ Check in as often as needed: daily, weekly, monthly … A healthy relationship – in the bedroom and out – is give and give.”
—Kendra Holliday is a sexuality consultant. Her website is TheBeautifulKind.com
“EVERYBODY KNOWS that to remain alive, we must reinvent ourselves but we often don’t realize that to remain erotically captivated with our partners, we must reinvent distances as well as intimacies. We must see the stranger in our spouse. We must recall that our lovers are free agents who could turn from us in a moment. We mustn’t underestimate the honour they do in cleaving to us, delving unprotected into our heart, allowing their core to be trespassed upon and transformed. Sex is a radical act – which we trivialize at our peril. It is the fusion of two distinct and forever changing natures, the union of emotion and sensation, worship and wilderness. To compartmentalize is to kill.”
—Cristina Nehring is an essayist, scholar and author of A Vindication of Love: Reclaiming Romance for the Twenty-First Century.