Harsh critics paint heartbroken Sesselmann as goat in loss

A“Sesselmann” is a new medical term for a collective heart seizure among the masses. Soccer fans across Canada must have experienced cardiac palpitations after defender Lauren Sesselmann — pictured right — gaffed massively in defence during Saturday’s World Cup quarter-final, resulting in a goal by England attacker Jodie Taylor.

Splayed like Bambi on ice, Sesselmann lay helplessly in disbelief.

All we could do was watch in horror.

From then on, BC Place Stadium’s red wave of supporters held their collective breath every time Sesselmann touched the ball.

The best advice she could have received following the 2-1 loss to England was an extended holiday from newsreels and social media. Instead, she’s now engaged in Twitter and Instagram hell since online vultures went for her throat.

The kinder tweets included: “Lauren Sesselmann’s biggest problem is she was born in the USA.” “She’s done nothing but intentionally wear the shortest shorts on the team.” “When you give up a goal like the one you did a response would have been to score a goal not send out a tweet.”

Sesselman answered her harsh critics on Monday: “I cannot describe how utterly heartbroken I am. The tears have not stopped flowing and this one is going to hurt for a really really long time.

“Yes I slipped, yes they scored and yes you can blame me all you want … If that’s what makes you feel better, fine.”

“That girl did well tonight,” coach John Herdman said in defence of his defender, who resembled Marcia from TV’s The Brady Bunch, frozen in the spotlight. “In order to recover from that and show that resilience — and to still keep playing. Man, you imagine what was going through her head. She would want that ground to swell her on up and she just came out fighting. She had a rocky five minutes after the mistake but she came fighting. All credit to her.”

“I am proud of our team,” captain Christine Sinclair offered after the game, her eyes swollen with tears — surely many more were shed throughout the locker-room.

Come Monday, Sesselman said: “For all you classless people with your negative comments and threats you know absolutely nothing. WE WILL be back and WE WILL be better.”

But for now, it’s a long exhale for Canadians as the epitaphs are written. The tournament continues with the Maple Leaf smouldering at half-mast.