Hey weird Hollywood stars, you do you
I am inventing a new lifestyle routine called Weirdo Boldface.
Turned off by the hard rules of Ketogenic, Paleolithic or Atkins? Weirdo Boldface is for you. Don’t feel like joining a gym? Weirdo Boldface has creative fitness tips, including paddle boarding while wearing a backpack filled with rocks and belting out “Dancing Queen.”
Weirdo Boldface will curate the diet hacks and exercise tics of celebrities and blend them into an omnibus to help you align your chakras or dazzle your Fitbit.
I’m writing this on Wednesday. I know what Usher is not doing today: eating.
As the singer told the Wall Street Journal this week: “I fast, not for religious purposes, but it’s something my grandmother practiced. I fast on Wednesdays. I typically try to start around 11 p.m. the previous day, then go the entire day on Wednesday just drinking water.”
That is beyond intermittent fasting. It’s just mittent.
The interviewer did not ask Usher why his grandmother imposed a food moratorium on Wednesdays. But there is no arguing with the results. Usher has the body of a Marvel superhero. His abs are so defined, they should have their own names.
So to all Weirdo Boldface recruits: hump day is now starve day.
Here are a few suggestions from a Delish story: Be like Jennifer Lopez and stir your coffee counterclockwise. Be like Nicolas Cage and consume animals that only “mate in a dignified way.” (So, what, he only eats penguin burgers?) Be like Jennifer Lawrence and nosh on monstrosities such as the Chili Pizza Sandwich.
Have you spent your life eating at a table or in front of the TV? Amateur! Jessica Biel eats in the shower. And not just snacks. She “brings nice dishes with chicken apple sausage and a mug of espresso with her.” It’s like a lathering buffet.
Question: Why does my herbcrusted veal taste like Herbal Essences?
Answer: We don’t ask questions in Weirdo Boldface!
Want the gaunt bone structure of Victoria Beckham? Face yoga. Want the radiant glow of Michelle Rodriguez? Nude yoga. Want the contours of Britney Spears? Antigravity yoga.
And if you’re not into any yoga, follow the fitness advice of Cameron Diaz and just have lots of sex. Or burn calories by manically vacuuming in heels like Audrina Patridge. Or make like Pink and invest in a backyard trapeze.
Here are a few more suggestions from a People story: Be like Channing Tatum and crush Cheetos into your P&J sammie. Be like Jessica Simpson and eat only the tips of bacon. Be like Chrissy Teigen and outlaw cereal segregation by brazenly mixing Cap’n Crunch and Fruity Pebbles.
If Tiffany Haddish can hollow out a dill pickle and fill it with Jolly Ranchers, should you not coat your portobello mushrooms with KoolAid powder? Chris Martin doesn’t eat after 4 p.m. Gordon Ramsay eats five small meals a day. Elizabeth Hurley swears by watercress soup. Matthew McConaughey is big on tapioca pudding. And so forth …
The first rule of Weirdo Boldface is there are no rules.
Celebrities look great because they lean into their quirks and oddities. If you told a desk mate at work that you’ve developed a taste for flambéed grape skins soaked in cayenne syrup or are boosting lung capacity by howling at the moon, they’d smile nervously and then covertly ask HR for a cubicle move.
But if a celebrity said that, everyone would be like, “Intriguing. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to fly a kite while standing on my head and sucking on a Werther’s.”
Health awareness is vital to a thriving society. We learned this during the pandemic. But to get obsessed with any one regimen in a quest to live longer cuts into your time of actual living. That’s not to say you should embrace a sedentary lifestyle punctuated with processed foods. It’s just to say we are guilty or beating ourselves up too much.
I am increasingly alarmed at what’s become of my face. I was at a gala the other night and winced upon seeing a photo. I need to wage war on these chipmunk cheeks. Face yoga? Neck hula hooping? Cranium Piloxing? Fasting Wednesdays?
Even if you injected celebrities with truth serum, they may lie about their lifestyles. And by “truth serum,” I mean Ozempic. But what I love about Weirdo Boldface is the freedom to discover what works, what makes you happy.
This is bottom-up. It is not topdown. Maybe you will gravitate toward stretching and a brisk walk after dinner. Maybe you will do 15 minutes of air drumming to Rush after slurping a red licorice gazpacho.
But you will be doing something and that is everything.
Now we just need to come up with a catchy slogan.
Weirdo Boldface: You Do You.